Upward and Onward....

So here it is...another new year. I'm sure most people are posting new years resolutions and thoughts on a fresh start. But one thing is puzzling me...do we continuously fuck up in our lives....just because we know we will always have a new year? Or would we fuck up no matter what? Are we waiting for that new year to start that brand new diet and exercise regiment? My point is....why do we wait?

For those close to me....you know that this past year has not been one of my best. In fact, in many ways it has been one of the worst. Yet I have grown so much, and proven to myself just how strong I am. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am a bit tired of picking myself up off the ground, only to be back there a few weeks later. So my "new year's resolution" is to trust myself. I want to be able to keep moving forward, keep growing and to stop being so dumb. Most of the time I've made mistakes that I regret...I didn't listen to my gut feeling. That whole fiasco with the biggest jerk I've ever "dated" all came from me not listening to this gut feeling that he was a complete asshole. Getting fired from my job came after that gut feeling that told me I should leave but didn't listen.

So here we are....another year older and a new one about to begin....let's hope its a good one without any fear.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Well a huge snow storm hit last night. I suppose that skiers and snowboarders were rejoicing, but I wasn't. As I could barely see the road and was forced to drive at 10 mph, I was contemplating the season. I am so not in the mood for Christmas. It doesn't feel like it should be here yet. I'm not happy enough, I'm not in the "giving" mood, I don't feel like its time for the year to be over.

Every day we are trying to prove ourselves. We try and prove that we are smart, funny, lovable, fun to be with and talented. It sometimes seems like an uphill battle. Yesterday I was informed by a co-worker that she and another co-worker had not been too fond of me. Yet...when they gave me a chance realized that I was pretty cool. Now this actually kind of pissed me off. I don't really know why I care that people don't like me...not everyone does. I guess I just don't feel like I'm that bad of a person that people would actually put an effort in to not liking me. But...John reminded me that when I become a diplomat, people won't like me. I'll be going in to situations where both sides will hate me in the beginning, but I have the charm and strength to win over almost any critic.

Wise words from this man of mine! :) I also just started reading The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it! I'm only on p. 72, yet I feel better already. One quote keeps being said in the book that is ringing true with me. "When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it". I have had a goal of becoming a diplomat for years now. Along the way I have tried to go down a different path that seemed more known...easier. But I've never felt like I had found my "personal legend". In all of the trials I have faced I have found that in the end I am pointed back towards my dream. I want nothing more than to become a diplomat. My head is often in the clouds, dreaming these big dreams. But I know that I can achieve this. I have no doubt in my mind that I will get whatever I want out of life. We all can.

River...sex

It's coming on Christmas...they are cutting down trees....oh Joni Mitchell! How could I ever survive a winter without you by my side? Its nearly impossible really. Which brings to mind...I want to go ice skating. But I don't want to just go anywhere...I want to go to Central Park and ice skate. We've all seen it in a million movies and I really think its time that I went. It is definitely very romantic and I think I have just the person in mind to do it with.

So I've been sex free for almost a year now-and its really starting to kill me. I find myself wanting to run in to people while I'm driving, slap annoying sells people and scream at hotel guests. If that isn't a sure warning that I need to get laid...I don't know what is. haha Patience is not my strong point, and so...I may need to find another bit to chew on while I wait for the sex. I am concerned though that this waiting on sex is only going to add that much more pressure to the sex in which I'm waiting to have. Will I be too nervous to make it any good? Will I be expecting too much and be left unsatisfied by any attempt? I sure hope that when I finally get it...it will be good.

Sex droughts, although interesting, are not recommended. People need to be touched, people need to be loved. Even mean people need sex. In fact, I suspect that people are only mean due to lack of sex. Sex is more powerful than money, more powerful than position. Sex is really what makes the world go round. In fact, a healthy sex life can save a marriage. I'm convinced that people are in unhappy marriages because they have bad sex lives. So instead of focusing on all of the other problems in marriages, maybe people just need to be retrained in sex. Who knows...I've never been married, but I have had good sex...and I was very happy. haha

Sex is the perfect diet. I find that when I'm having good sex, I don't want any unhealthy foods. I don't even crave them. So for me....sex is my chocolate. Sex is my ice cream. GIVE ME SOME SEX damnit! haha

Okay...so enough of this embarrassing post about sex. But I'm sure that as you read it...you agreed...so don't be ashamed. Sex is well normal. It is a normal need. Go get some.

Ouch

My head is pounding. I have no idea why...but I'm sure it has something to do with the copious amounts of alchol I had last night. ehehe It was so fun to go out and be with my girlfriends. I realize that I have had a less than fun year and so I think I made up for that last night its amazing what a few drinks can do. haha I'm completely ready for the next year. In order to have a good year, I really think I need to leave all of this past years heart ache and pain behind. So I'm ready for the new year now....ready for a new dream, a new life and FUN!

I've also realized that I've grown up. I'm no longer interested in random play from random guys. I'm really ready for that steady relationship. Hopefully this new year will provide the opportunity for one. I have an idea that it may...but we'll see. Its hard to tell if it really is time for it to happen or not. I've thought I was ready for it for many years...but I've obviously had trouble locating anyone other than Mr. Right Now. So I've been focusing on myself...and my desires and dreams-and I think its all paying off. I'm much happier now than I have ever been. (even though in some ways I'm still miserable)

I just can't believe the things that happened this year. Fell for a muslim boy....found out muslim boy was an idiot (to put it nicely). Worked my ass off for someone elses dream....went back to school....realized my dreams....got fired for not wanting to work my ass off for someone elses dream anymore...went back to a job I wasn't too keen about going back too....realized I was in love with my best friend....dealt with one of the hardest long distance relationships I've ever had....finished the hardest semester of my life...dealt with stupid money problems...nearly went crazy....grew up....hmmm I think thats it. And now for next year....I'm well on my way to realizing even more just how much I love my best friend...and definately on my way to being the best diplomat ever. Life is good. Especially after a few Italian beers.

You're not alone...

So I've been feeling so alone this past month. Partly due to holiday bliss....and partly due to the demanding schedule I've been juggling. But it hit me today as I was driving to the U how un-alone I really am.

A few weeks ago my dear friend, Allison called me at seven in the morning and asked me to pick her up from the emergency room. My first thought was....1.how did she get there in the first place...and 2.why hadn't she called me earlier. Allison is from the mid-west and doesn't have any family here. I felt so bad when I found out that she had driven herself to the emergency room. But I was glad that she had called me to pick her up. It got me to thinking about the network that I have here. I'm slightly concerned about moving so far because I know that my network is not as big in Jersey, yet I do have one.

So with Thanksgiving and other holidays this season....I've felt so alone. Well as i was driving to the U this morning, I needed something printed out for a professor, and I thought of calling my friend, Kali. She works on campus and has saved my life probably 3 times in the past 4 weeks. haha So as I was driving to campus I was thinking about all of the people I have to support me.
Heidi and Hiba have gotten that call from me several times asking them to print something out for me...and Julia has done it as well. I can't even count how many times I've called Deanna in tears and told her I was going to quit...but she wouldn't ever let me. I've got some great friends here and a great family.

So as I prepare to graduate I am so thankful for all of the people in my life who have supported or helped me in some way. Thank you for believing in me. It seemed so impossible to me at many times along my education path...and now here I am. One of the strangest things is that if anyone would have told me a year ago that I'd be graduating and applying for Grad school in Dec 2007, I would have laughed my ass off.

I know that none of you have met my mysterious Johnny...but I really owe a huge thanks to him. He never let me give up on graduating. He nagged, he encouraged, he pushed and he reminded me of my dreams. I promise that he is real, and one day I want all of you to meet him.

We all need someone to remind us of our dreams. My point here is that I am not alone. I have some wonderful people in my life. You know who you are, I hope, if not then I need to do a much better job at saying thank you. The older I get, the more I realize that life is not about what you know, but who you know. Connections, relationships of any kind change our lives. We all have that power to touch someone else, rather it be for good or not;but in the end it us up to us to take the good and bad experiences and use them as a stepping stone to the next challenge we will face.


I'm not alone, and neither are you. Sometimes I think I just need a hug.

New Beginings

So I have a hard time believing that anyone will really want to read what I have to say...but it seems like everyone has one of these blogs....so why not me? :) You know I like to be popular. haha
I am feeling quite fried today. I just took my last final yesterday. I still have one paper to finish by Thursday...but basically-my semester is over! Which means....I'll soon be on my way to New York. I am so excited to move back east. I love it out there. But since this is my blog...and we can be honest in blogs...I'm kind of nervous. I'm completely excited...but I guess I have a little bit of the "unknown jitters". My life is going to be changing drastically...and while I'm totally looking forward to it, I have to wonder-what the hell is going to happen? I think it would be nice to have a crystal ball sometimes it would make it a lot easier to make my plans; yet I know that part of the "fun" is not knowing. One thing is for certain...I'm doing something I had only dreamed of. I can not wait to become a diplomat! I feel as if I have been in training my whole life for this. It is very strange when life grabs you by the throat and says,"here is what you have to do, so get to it lady"!

I'm going to miss my friends and family so much, but this is going to be so good for me. My heart is in New York. Everytime I close my eyes I imagine myself in the city. It is where I am supposed to be...so I will go. I feel like one of those cheesy movies where the girl leaves her little city for an adventure in New York. Yet I feel like I'm going back home. I have so many people out there that I love so it will be wonderful to be with them again.

Here's to life!