As I sit here at Weight Watchers having weighed in heavier than last week I am feeling so defeated. I need help. I have a disease. My disease is "Fat". Being fat controls my life. It hides who i am. It protects me and it shames me. I wasn't always fat. I started life as a normal little girl. I learned to use food as comfort. Food was love and acceptance. Food took away my fear and food was there to comfort me whenever I needed it.
And now that food is killing me I realize that I've got to overcome this. Being fat is so unlike any other disease. For a smoker that quits they don't need three cigarettes a day to keep living. Alcoholics can promise to never touch alcohol again but food- food can not be forsaken. When you are so fat and and depressed the last thing you want to do is work out. You feel grossed out by what you've become and defeated by the amount of weight you've got to lose. You're ashamed. You don't want anyone to see. So you join Weight Watchers. You try Internet diets. But you are still fat you feel even worse. Because now you can add another thing to the list of the things you've failed at. I think of being thin. I think of jumping off a bridge. But no where in my mind do i want to gain more weight. It is a lonely disease. A lonely life. You can't shop in normal stories so shopping is no longer fun. You can't fit comfortably in the seats on a plane so even travel stops being fun.
I'm depressed and can't imagine it getting any better.I wish I could be on the Biggest Loser. Maybe if I had some help I could learn to change my life. But I need serious help. I am so convinced that being fat is a disease. It is a psychological, physical and mental disease.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Memo to my Fellow Commuters
To My Fellow Commuters:
Hi. I'll make this quick since we are all in a hurry, well some of us are in a hurry. I commute four hours a day. Yes that is two hours in the morning, two hours in the evening. During this time I have witnessed many things that I would like to call to the attention of those I am sharing the trains, subways and boardwalks with.
Personal hygiene is very important. However, I don't want to smell you in the morning. I don't care how good you think that cheap calogne smells... it makes me sick.
Escalators: my Father taught me many years ago that when riding on an escalator if you would like to stand on the moving staircase stand to the right, if you would like to walk up the escalator you should walk up on the left. I have practiced this theory most of my life. I understand there are many foreigners in NYC and some of them drive on the opposite side of the road... but seriously people-if you are not in a hurry stand to the right. Standing on the left in someone's way is completely annoying. In my long commute every minute counts. If someone is in my way and holds me back even a minute, it is possible that I will miss my train and get home even later.
Be courteous of those in the seats in front of you, putting your feet up on the back of the seat or pushing against it disturbs the person in front of you. It disturbs them in the middle of their back. Not very nice.
I think that is all for now. Thank you for reading.
The end.
P.S. I've been asked to report on the books I'm reading. Currently I am reading The Brother's Karamazov. It is a great book, but it is long. I'll tell more about it later. I did however discover something really cool lately. I am one of those people that reads 1-2 books every week. I have the time frankly so that is why I do it. I have never been good at getting books from the library because by the time I get the book turned back in I usually owe more than the book would have cost to buy. So based on that I've been buying all of the books I've been reading. Well in the hopes of saving some money I've been trying to figure out how to cut back on my book budget. Well I just discovered the greatest website www.swaptree.com! It is so cool. Basically you upload any book, cd, movie that you are willing to trade. Then you can trade your books, cd's and movies with other people and they will send you something that you want to read or listen too. It is free to trade through the site, you only pay to ship your book to other members. John just sent off my first two books this morning so I'll let you know when I get the two books I traded for. I'm really excited about this site though.
I also have to put a plug in for True Blood. The new season starts Sunday on HBO and it is one of the best series on right now. My recommendation should tell you something... I usually hate vampire movies/stories. But this series is awesome! It is based on a series by Charlaine Harris called the Sookie Stackhouse Series. Not only do I recommend True Blood, I highly recommend reading this series. I never read or watched Twilight, but I think anyone that was in to that would like True Blood. The thing you should know about True Blood is that it does get kind of sexy and may not be appropriate for a younger reader, but all of the adults will love it!
Hi. I'll make this quick since we are all in a hurry, well some of us are in a hurry. I commute four hours a day. Yes that is two hours in the morning, two hours in the evening. During this time I have witnessed many things that I would like to call to the attention of those I am sharing the trains, subways and boardwalks with.
Personal hygiene is very important. However, I don't want to smell you in the morning. I don't care how good you think that cheap calogne smells... it makes me sick.
Escalators: my Father taught me many years ago that when riding on an escalator if you would like to stand on the moving staircase stand to the right, if you would like to walk up the escalator you should walk up on the left. I have practiced this theory most of my life. I understand there are many foreigners in NYC and some of them drive on the opposite side of the road... but seriously people-if you are not in a hurry stand to the right. Standing on the left in someone's way is completely annoying. In my long commute every minute counts. If someone is in my way and holds me back even a minute, it is possible that I will miss my train and get home even later.
Be courteous of those in the seats in front of you, putting your feet up on the back of the seat or pushing against it disturbs the person in front of you. It disturbs them in the middle of their back. Not very nice.
I think that is all for now. Thank you for reading.
The end.
P.S. I've been asked to report on the books I'm reading. Currently I am reading The Brother's Karamazov. It is a great book, but it is long. I'll tell more about it later. I did however discover something really cool lately. I am one of those people that reads 1-2 books every week. I have the time frankly so that is why I do it. I have never been good at getting books from the library because by the time I get the book turned back in I usually owe more than the book would have cost to buy. So based on that I've been buying all of the books I've been reading. Well in the hopes of saving some money I've been trying to figure out how to cut back on my book budget. Well I just discovered the greatest website www.swaptree.com! It is so cool. Basically you upload any book, cd, movie that you are willing to trade. Then you can trade your books, cd's and movies with other people and they will send you something that you want to read or listen too. It is free to trade through the site, you only pay to ship your book to other members. John just sent off my first two books this morning so I'll let you know when I get the two books I traded for. I'm really excited about this site though.
I also have to put a plug in for True Blood. The new season starts Sunday on HBO and it is one of the best series on right now. My recommendation should tell you something... I usually hate vampire movies/stories. But this series is awesome! It is based on a series by Charlaine Harris called the Sookie Stackhouse Series. Not only do I recommend True Blood, I highly recommend reading this series. I never read or watched Twilight, but I think anyone that was in to that would like True Blood. The thing you should know about True Blood is that it does get kind of sexy and may not be appropriate for a younger reader, but all of the adults will love it!
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