We're off to see the Wizard!

So for as much as I'd really like to make sooo many comments about the previous post... I'm going to go ahead and ignore it. 

Today I had my second interview with USTA. It went so well! I was led in to an office by a nice lady and once inside I looked up to see Wizard of Oz paraphernalia. I took that as a good sign. She told me not to be nervous because this wasn't an interview. She merely wanted to make sure that I knew what I was getting in to. haha So... I don't want to get too excited because they want me to meet one more person that I will be working closely with and make sure that we gel... but I think I've got it! 

Finally I feel like things in my life are starting to work out. This job will really put me on the track for my life that I have been waiting for. Sure... sure nothing in my plans have made any sense lately... but sometimes it sure is time for a change of plan. I'm not completely counting out grad school... it just seems like after all of the obstacles that I've faced it may not be time for me to go right now. Life is sure crazy and full of surprises. haha

WTF

Facebook update:

Reggie Hobbs is now married.

WTFFFFFFFFFFFF

Hurray!!!

So today was AWESOME! I woke up at 5:30 in such an excitement that I couldn't really get back to sleep. I decided to reread about the USTA (U.S. Tennis Association) and the U.S. Open. There are so many exciting things going on in tennis and I really hope I get a chance to be involved in the events this year. 

I left work around 11:30 and took a nice drive out to Queens. It turned out to be a little bit of a pain in the ass because of the insanely crazy wind directly from Chicago. The police were limiting the amount of cars on the White Stone Bridge and that had traffic backed up! I finally got to the new Citi Field!!! I was so excited to see the Mets new home! I almost forgot about my interview... but I managed to pull down my excitement long enough to find the Tennis Center. 

After getting lost only once in the huge Sports Complex... i made my way to my interview. It went so well. I hit it off with my interviewer right away. I talked about my experiences and he told me a little about the job and what I'd be doing. Two hours later... the interview ended. It was soooo awesome! I've never had an interview go so long. I go back in on Monday for a second interview so I will definitely keep you posted! What a good day!!! Only... seriously I'm going to have to take the train or I will be paying like $100 in tolls a week! 

 

There's Hope....

Ok... so you can probably tell if you read my blog or know me at all... life has not been the greatest lately. Well yesterday I got some semi-bad news from a job that I've been working at for the past 90 days. You see... I've been working as a "temp" in the hopes that after 90 days they would be able to hire me. Well the economy decided to bite everyone in the ass... so unfortunately the company is in the middle of a hiring freeze. At first I was kinda bummed. I even cried a little... but after I stopped crying... I realized it was the push I needed. 

My great friend MaryAnne took me out to dinner and beer last night to drowned my sorrows. MaryAnne is so positive that I didn't really have time to feel bad for myself... instead she gave me a great pep talk. I took today off from the "temp" job to search for jobs. Well on Monday I had applied for this job with the U.S. Open. I'll get to that in a minute... so I spent my day getting organized and applying for several jobs. My attitude today just changed... the sun was out and it was warm and I made it to the gym. At 5 pm I got a call from the USTA (U.S. Tennis Association)! I have an interview with them tomorrow at 2. Cross your fingers... do a dance. I want this job. I am so qualified for this job. I need this job! 

I heard this great India. Arie called, There's Hope. You should check it out if you are feeling blue or sad. Great beat and wonderful message. I'll keep you posted about the job... I hope this is it. This would really be a fantastic opportunity for me. 

Losing Touch

I haven't blogged in so long. Truthfully I've been in a bit of a funk. Things in my life have just not gone my way the past couple of months. The things that have happened have left me questioning myself and questioning my entire life. The one thing that has gone right is that I have a great boyfriend. He is supportive and loving and kind. But as we all know... when one thing in your life is going well... other aspects can't. It is just a rule in the universe. 

First: I moved out here to go to grad school. Nothing about me going to grad school has been easy. I have jumped through hoops. I've decided that I will not be going to Seton Hall. I'm too tired to deal with their bull shit. I'm now in the process of applying to be a matriculated student at William Paterson. They have a good program and I'll be able to get my Masters in International Relations. The problem I have now... do I really want to go to grad school? 

A) I love learning. I love studying International Relations and I love knowing and understanding the world. 

B) I miss sports. I miss the fun and all the hard work of putting on a game and an event. I miss working in something where I can be creative. 

Second: I feel like relationships I've had all my life (or for a long time) are falling apart, or were never really that strong to begin with. This has been a realization that I've discovered from reading things on Facebook and on blogs. People who I thought were good friends have become people I once knew. Part of this is my fault, as I'm not the best at keeping in touch with people, and part of it is because I've burned so many bridges, mostly accidental. I'm so far from my family now... I think they have forgotten about me. 

Third: My little sister is getting married. My 20 year old sister. Its not funny, its not cute, its damn depressing. I don't know if anyone can understand how or why I feel like this. I'm not proud to admit it, but I am embarrassed, hurt, confused and angry at the universe. I am so happy for her, but it seems like it shouldn't be happening. I watched most of my best friends get married and I was ok, I was even happy for them. But now that my little 20 year old sister is getting married and I have to fly 2,000 miles to stand outside of the wedding, I am less than thrilled. I know the barrage of questions I will have to answer, the whispers and the glances I will have to endure. I don't know why I was raised in a culture that is so judgmental and mean. 

Fourth: My job sucks. I am so happy to have a job, so I can't complain too much. But I really think it sucks. I have a degree... and this is what I'm doing? It just doesn't make sense. I need a job that lets me use my creativity and my passion. Instead I'm paying Dr.'s for using and pushing the drug I represent. 

Fifth: I'm sure some smarmy person out there is reading this and thinking that I just need an attitude adjustment. They are probably right, but its winter and I'm depressed and I'm trying to figure out all of the things that are bothering me. 

Its going to be 40 degrees today. I think I should take the train in to the city and go to some of the places I love. That will remind me of why I'm here. I know that moving back to Utah is not the answer for me. There is nothing there for me. I just need to figure out what my next move should be. I sure as hell hope I figure it out soon. I'm not getting any younger. 

When I grow up I want to be John's girlfriend....

Tonight my heart is so full of love. Yes I know it sounds a little like a song from Les Mis... but it is what it is. After my terrible New Year's Eve post I was swept off my feat at a party thrown by one of John's best friends in Hoboken. John has the greatest friends. Not as great as mine of course... but they were so cool. All night we laughed and they included me in their conversations and games. I even got to hear some funny stories about John as a teenager. 

John and I were able to spend a lot of time together during the break and it made me realize a lot of things. 1. I have been through a lot of shit with men in my life. My experiences have made me who I am today and I'm pretty proud of who I've become. 2. Almost every relationship I ever had was purely sex driven. I'm sorry to confess that on here in case it comes as a shock to anyone... but my past "boyfriends" have not been very nice. I'm finally with a man who respects and loves me... and its about time! 

Furthermore, I'm scared. I'm about to embark on one of the scariest adventures of my life. I'm going to Grad school. Me? Grad school! It.Is.Very.Scary. and unbelievable. If someone would have told me two years ago that I'd be back in New Jersey getting ready to start grad school I would have laughed. I can hardly believe that the dream of becoming a diplomat is on its way to being realized. For this I have myself to thank... but also I have John to thank. I can truly say that without him none of this would have been made possible. I'm equally as happy to realize that with him by my side nothing is impossible. 

For anyone reading this and throwing up in their mouths I have to say... I deserve this. I have been through the ringer. I've had liars and cheaters and abusers and just the worst possible men in my life. So I'm sorry for blah blah blahing about my wonderful boyfriend... but when I grow up I want to be John's girlfriend. :) 

I had a really nice Christmas break. I was able to see my family and my best girls! :) It was all so overwhelming I don't know if I have the strength to blog about it... but it was nice. 

Happy F*ckin New Year

I'm sitting here in my room on New Year's Eve getting ready to go out. My ipod has been on random... which maybe isn't the best idea since music has such a strong effect on my mood. I started thinking about all of the men who have hurt me in my life. I really must say I am so done with it. I'm done with hurting because someone else doesn't know how to love me or won't love me. I'm no longer going to beg to be loved. I'm going to love myself more than anyone every will... so I may as well work on that person. 

This year its all about me. I don't care how that sounds. I have thought of others most of my life. I'm not going to say that I'm perfect or the kindest or best person... but I think over all I've been less selfish than some. This mood I'm in has me feeling like finishing off this bottle of champagne and blowing off my boyfriend. That really isn't New Years happiness celebration of me... but I'm just not in the mood for it now. 

From the moment I started loving it has been one broken heart after another. I guess that is my fault for putting it out there so much but now I feel like my heart is so broken it will take so much tape and glue to fix it permanently. It is so broken that I don't think I'm good for anyone. I am ruined. Destroyed. Unable to love. I have a great boyfriend... we have issues like every relationship.... but he is overall great. I just feel so tired of having to explain everything... why don't men read minds? (I'm being sarcastic... kind of... but seriously. I'm tired! )

For the past couple of years I was starting to think that maybe I was ready to settle down and get married in the next five-ten years... but now I'm starting to rethink that. Men will always let me down. Men will always break my heart and no one knows how to love me. I'm tired of my issues with love. I'm tired of hurting because of another person. I never hurt myself. I'm tired. 

So really... Happy F*ckin New Year... seriously... its ok to drink that whole bottle of champagne. I'll see you at the gym in the morning.