Saturday, February 7, 2009

Losing Touch

I haven't blogged in so long. Truthfully I've been in a bit of a funk. Things in my life have just not gone my way the past couple of months. The things that have happened have left me questioning myself and questioning my entire life. The one thing that has gone right is that I have a great boyfriend. He is supportive and loving and kind. But as we all know... when one thing in your life is going well... other aspects can't. It is just a rule in the universe. 

First: I moved out here to go to grad school. Nothing about me going to grad school has been easy. I have jumped through hoops. I've decided that I will not be going to Seton Hall. I'm too tired to deal with their bull shit. I'm now in the process of applying to be a matriculated student at William Paterson. They have a good program and I'll be able to get my Masters in International Relations. The problem I have now... do I really want to go to grad school? 

A) I love learning. I love studying International Relations and I love knowing and understanding the world. 
B) I miss sports. I miss the fun and all the hard work of putting on a game and an event. I miss working in something where I can be creative. 

Second: I feel like relationships I've had all my life (or for a long time) are falling apart, or were never really that strong to begin with. This has been a realization that I've discovered from reading things on Facebook and on blogs. People who I thought were good friends have become people I once knew. Part of this is my fault, as I'm not the best at keeping in touch with people, and part of it is because I've burned so many bridges, mostly accidental. I'm so far from my family now... I think they have forgotten about me. 

Third: My little sister is getting married. My 20 year old sister. Its not funny, its not cute, its damn depressing. I don't know if anyone can understand how or why I feel like this. I'm not proud to admit it, but I am embarrassed, hurt, confused and angry at the universe. I am so happy for her, but it seems like it shouldn't be happening. I watched most of my best friends get married and I was ok, I was even happy for them. But now that my little 20 year old sister is getting married and I have to fly 2,000 miles to stand outside of the wedding, I am less than thrilled. I know the barrage of questions I will have to answer, the whispers and the glances I will have to endure. I don't know why I was raised in a culture that is so judgmental and mean. 

Fourth: My job sucks. I am so happy to have a job, so I can't complain too much. But I really think it sucks. I have a degree... and this is what I'm doing? It just doesn't make sense. I need a job that lets me use my creativity and my passion. Instead I'm paying Dr.'s for using and pushing the drug I represent. 

Fifth: I'm sure some smarmy person out there is reading this and thinking that I just need an attitude adjustment. They are probably right, but its winter and I'm depressed and I'm trying to figure out all of the things that are bothering me. 

Its going to be 40 degrees today. I think I should take the train in to the city and go to some of the places I love. That will remind me of why I'm here. I know that moving back to Utah is not the answer for me. There is nothing there for me. I just need to figure out what my next move should be. I sure as hell hope I figure it out soon. I'm not getting any younger. 

1 comment:

SB said...

Ah, sweetheart. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can't help but feel that I am one of those friends that you're losing touch with. It makes me sad too. You are so dear to me. I wish that our lives overlapped more than they do. But you will always be one of my dearest and sweetest friends. As for your sister getting married, that really does suck. Why in the world does she want to get married so young anyway? I'm sure you'll handle it with grace and class because that's who you are. You're amazing and I envy you in a lot of ways.