Choices

Everyday we are faced with choices. Some choices have very small consequences, while others have much larger ones. It dawned on me this morning as I returned from my 5:30AM walk that I had just made a good choice to start out my day. And now here I am faced with another choice. Do I go back to bed and get just a little more sleep... or do I get going on my day and get to work early. Each choice will have a consequence-if I go back to bed, I'll get the much needed sleep, but I'll probably then make another bad choice and hit snooze until its absolutely drop dead time to get up. This choice while it is so appealing in many ways... won't really give me a great start to my day. Or I can make the choice to get moving... get to work early, miss traffic.

It seems like every minute of my morning can be broken up in to 30 mins. of time in which I make a choice to do this or that for 30 mins. and then at the end of that time I am forced to make yet another choice. The later it gets in my day and the more work that is piled on top of me... the less control I have to make those choices. It seems while at work... I am making so many choices every minute that before I know it my day is over. I really think that for me... getting up early-working out and having a healthy start to my day has enabled me to make better choices. I seem to have more time with my thoughts and my reflections, and have even found time to read some scripture on most days and its changing me.

I think I will stay up and get going on my day. Its a big day... lots of work to do, and my sister and Abbey will get in this evening. I have to say that last night I was absolutely miserable, sad, depressed, overwhelmed... but the love of my life came over after he got off of a late night at work... and helped me get organized. He is amazing. The answer to so many prayers. I choose him... and thank God that he chooses me.

It's Spring time for Hitler

I've been away for a while. So many things have happened since I last blogged I don't even know where to begin. I have never in my life seen such darkness and such light. So many sad things have happened, while on the other hand so many beautiful things have come to pass.

The most beautiful things have come in small packages this year. One of my amazing best friends and her wonderful husband were finally able to welcome their beautiful daughter Emma Elaine in to their home. They have waited for her so long and now that she is finally here we can all see that she was worth the wait. My heart is so full of love and gratitude that God blessed them to become parents. This is definitely one of the most special and beautiful things that has happened this year. I am so sad that I haven't been able to meet this beautiful new addition, but hope to do so very soon!

The saddest thing that happened was the loss of a sweet little boy, while although he is not little in age (22), he was too young to die. I started babysitting Scott "Superman" Baker when he was about 4 years old. I watched him and his brother Rhett every Saturday morning for several years. I loved this little boy and had a very close bond with his Mother, Debbie. Scott was such a good kid, but had some very hard struggles in life. I am still so very sad at the loss... and even more sad that I wasn't able to attend the funeral. Its times like that it is really hard to be so far from home. The sadness in my heart will take a long time to leave and to heal.

Life is so precious. It seems like we never know when it will end, yet we speak unkind words to those we love. We flip off complete strangers who cut us off, when for all we know they are racing to the hospital to say good bye to a loved one. I've spent so many days driving home from work with tears dripping down my face not having a clue how to make them stop. Its made realize one thing- you never know what someone else is dealing with. Life is fucking hard. Sometimes it is so fun, but other times it is just so shitty. Take time to be a little kinder than necessary. Tip a little more, say thank you and say hi to someone that looks sad.

So many people are fighting on Facebook and Twitter about the new healthcare that passed. I want to just tell them to shut up. Its so hard for me to wrap my head around even caring about some of the things happening in the world around me because I feel so helpless. For the record, I'm happy about every American having a chance at healthcare. I hope my friends without insurance can get what they need. I'd rather pay for an American to go to a Doctor than for someone in a foreign country to go. I'm just tired of people fighting. But I guess it will never end, so I better get used to it.

I'm really feeling so sad and lonely tonight. I wish I knew why. Tomorrow my lovely Abbey is finally coming to live with me again. Angie is bringing her to me. I'm so excited to see my sister and Abbey, but I have this anxious pit in my stomach. What if after all this time, she doesn't love me anymore? Then what will I do?

I used to think that I wouldn't feel sad or lonely once I fell in love with the right guy. But here I am in love with the most amazing guy, and I'm still sad and lonely sometimes. I hate this feeling and I wish I could make it go away. But for now I'll just have to let it lie.

The one sure way to make your day AWESOME!

There are a lot of websites and blogs that I read on a daily basis. But there is one that makes me laugh harder than any other. I'd like to share this site with you. I promise that it will make you laugh out loud. I first have to say that if you've never been to Walmart... you may not get this website immediately-but if you give it a few minutes you will understand the entire essence of Walmart.

To make your day... please go to....www.peopleofwalmart.com

Here is a sneak peak....

Putting It All Out There

Never Forget

It is here again. The day that changed the life of so many people. This is the day that I will always remember. Years from now I will look back on this day with sadness and reverence as I recount the story to my children and grandchildren. I am proud to be an American. I am proud of this country. Because of September 11th I think I hold my loved ones just a little tighter, I forgive a little easier, and I try and love a little more, and anger less. God bless those who lost loved ones on that day, and bless those who are continuing to fight to make a better place for us all.

Booty Call

I just wanted to do a shout out to the girls who got back! I know all my sisters can holla at this one! :) I know its really immature, but seriously.... I couldn't help but take a quick shot to share it all with you. Baby got back!

Clouds in my coffee

What a beautiful day it is! Last Sunday my car kind of exploded.... so all week I've been riding my bike to the train. Its been a nice start to my morning, but the helmet hair is insufferable. I don't like wearing a damn helmet. It is however the law that everyone wear one. I completely agree with this law for children. Their young minds are still developing and trauma to the head can cause permanent damage. But I am an adult... I have a hard head... and I don't like to mess up my hair. My only fear is that one day a car will hit me if I don't wear it and then I'll end up like Stephen Hawking. Does anyone have any ideas about how to not get helmet head in the morning?

Work is going well-but getting completely crazy! I'm interviewing about 5 people per day and I have about 100 more people to hire for Guest Services. I really love my job, but I'm starting to get nervous. Its a seasonal position and after the Open I'm going to have to find a new job. Traditionally they say September is a good month to find a job, but I'm still incredibly nervous about it. We will see what happens. Worse case scenario I may relocate with my Aunt and Uncle in Maryland for a couple of months and then return to prepare for the next Open.

My living situation currently kind of sucks. I have my own space, but I'm supposed to share the kitchen with my roommate and her son. She however doesn't really want me using her kitchen, so I'm confined to my room. I have a microwave, toaster and a small fridge-but no hot plate or stove top. This makes it incredibly difficult to prepare a meal. I only have the use of my bathroom sink, and so I can't really prepare much either. For now I'm dealing with this in hopes of securing a decent job after the Open and moving a little closer to NYC.

So how about Mr. Goslin. I have to admit, I've only once watched John and Kate plus Eight... but after seeing the story of their rocky marriage EVERYWHERE, I couldn't help but get a little caught up in the drama. I'm completely disguisted by his behavior. I don't understand why it is that when couples split up, the Mom ends up having to step it up for the kids, and the Dad is free to frolic with a new younger model. It doesn't seem fair to me. It isn't just celebraties either. I've dated single dads in the past and it seems like they became more of an Uncle to their kids, only seeing them once in a while and rarely spending any holidays with them. I realize that people need love, but come on! If a man is a willing participant in creating the children, why is it so easy for them to walk away? I just don't understand the psychology of it.

Tomorrow John and I are going to the Natural History Museum in NYC and I'm so excited! On Friday on the subway I was reading the posters and one of them was advertising the Natural History Museum, when I saw it I couldn't help but want to go. I didn't mention anything to John, but when he picked me up at the train station he asked me if I wanted to go to the NHM on Sunday. I was so excited I almost screamed. haha It is awesome how is starting to read my mind... and next weekend we are going to Hershey, PA to see Jason Mraz and Dave Matthews perform! I am soooooooooooo excited! I've been looking forward to this concert for months, but because of my car exploding and others unexpected life costs, I didn't think we'd be going. But John bought the tickets and booked the hotel... so DMB here I come!

Confessions of a fat girl

As I sit here at Weight Watchers having weighed in heavier than last week I am feeling so defeated. I need help. I have a disease. My disease is "Fat". Being fat controls my life. It hides who i am. It protects me and it shames me. I wasn't always fat. I started life as a normal little girl. I learned to use food as comfort. Food was love and acceptance. Food took away my fear and food was there to comfort me whenever I needed it.

And now that food is killing me I realize that I've got to overcome this. Being fat is so unlike any other disease. For a smoker that quits they don't need three cigarettes a day to keep living. Alcoholics can promise to never touch alcohol again but food- food can not be forsaken. When you are so fat and and depressed the last thing you want to do is work out. You feel grossed out by what you've become and defeated by the amount of weight you've got to lose. You're ashamed. You don't want anyone to see. So you join Weight Watchers. You try Internet diets. But you are still fat you feel even worse. Because now you can add another thing to the list of the things you've failed at. I think of being thin. I think of jumping off a bridge. But no where in my mind do i want to gain more weight. It is a lonely disease. A lonely life. You can't shop in normal stories so shopping is no longer fun. You can't fit comfortably in the seats on a plane so even travel stops being fun.

I'm depressed and can't imagine it getting any better.I wish I could be on the Biggest Loser. Maybe if I had some help I could learn to change my life. But I need serious help. I am so convinced that being fat is a disease. It is a psychological, physical and mental disease.