Where do I even begin

As I sit here writing this post I am listening to country music. Yes you heard me right-country music. I don't know why but when I get especially sad and homesick its the only thing I want to listen to. Its funny to me because my parents don't listen to country music, my friends don't really listen to it-but my little sister Heather and my brother, Ben listen to it. So here I am sad, lonely, depressed and kinda scared-listening to some country music. haha I had a wonderful vacation with my Johnny but I wasn't feeling well for most of the trip so it took a lot out of me. I absolutely loved seeing my family and friends! But I am a picture failure! I hardly took any pictures! I'm so mad at myself.

We started the trip in Salt Lake. It was so great to see all of my family minus Heather and Jay (who were greatly missed). I loved introducing them to John. I think I have a great family. They were so welcoming to him and made him feel at home. I was happy to see how well he got along with my dad. I finally got to meet some beautiful babies that I had only met via pictures. Emma and Emily Jane were absolutely gorgeous! I am so happy for my friends and their beautiful babies. It is so fun to see your girls become mommies. I was able to see a lot more people this time that I usually get to see so it was nice. Thanks to Christian, Deanna, Emma, Shannon, Chris, Max, Heidi, Allison, Nicole, Emily Jane, Jason, Debbie, Scott and Bailey for coming to see me and meet my man! I have really gorgeous friends and I really wish I would have taken a group photo to prove it. :) Next time I'll hire my sister to be the photographer. Major fail was I didn't get a picture with my adorable niece Audrey. She is really amazing. I was a little heart broken because she didn't seem to like me very much since she doesn't know me it took her a while to warm up-but in due time she will come to know me as the cool auntie that sends her cool stuff from New York. haha

Overall I think John liked Utah. He thought the mountains were beautiful and he really liked my friends and family. My Grandpa didn't even give him a hard time-so I think he will last. :)

From there we were on to San Fran-I can sum this up in one word FREEZING! We had planned on it being cool there, but they were having a cold front and it was 55 degrees. About half of what it was in NY. I was glad it wasn't hot because I spent most of my days wandering around the city while John was in workshops. It was nice to be in a more relaxed city and enjoyed my quiet time to think and reflect on my life. I also had the chance to see an old friend and it was nice to catch up with her. John didn't propose-which was actually kind of sad. Everyone thought he was going to-so I was totally bummed when he didn't. I know he's waiting to surprise me. At this point he has let so many "perfect" opportunities pass-but we'll see.

To continue on from my previous post- I am still bleeding! The doctor put me on birth control and that managed to make me sick, sorta crazy but didn't manage to stop the bleeding. I had a biopsy on Thursday and she said the lining on my uterus is incredibly thick and she is very concerned about it. She believes its probably pre-cancerous. Unfortunately I had to go to this appointment alone and it was all I could do to get out of there before I sobbed my eyes out. I am scared and I want my Mommy. It sucks to be so far from home especially when something scary happens. Thankfully my darling Deanna has been through all this scary stuff before (unfortunately she has been through it way too many times) but she has been my rock and support in this. I'm so thankful for all of her advice and understanding. John has been wonderful-but he can't always understand what it feels like for a girl.

To top it all off I got a new boss and I really, really, really DISLIKE her. She is awful. My staff hates her. I can't deal with this right now. So I will just ignore her and hope that she goes away.

ER-Stat!

Ok, ok so I have to start out by saying that they found nothing wrong with me. Yep... been bleeding for a month straight and nothing is wrong. I'm not even anemic. I was a little bit upset by the way I was treated at the hospital and I'm wondering if other women have felt this way also.

On Sunday morning I passed a big blood clot. Sorry for the details-but its important to the story. It was not only gross, but very scary! After the fact I nearly passed out. I called Deanna in tears and she gave me some great advice. But after we got off the phone I didn't feel so well. I called my boyfriend and I guess my voice scared him. He then called my dear friend Sophie who came running over. Within minutes she had called my doctor's office and the on-call dr. called me back. She told me that I was probably ok, but if I felt weak/or passed out I should go to the hospital. I took a shower and John and Sophie decided I needed urgent care. After my shower I was feeling a little better-but still felt very weak. I went to the hospital and checked in. They heard my details and put me in the ER to lie in a horrible bed and wait. I kept insisting that I was fine and should just leave-John would not have it. My blood was taken and I was left alone. When I told the doctor's my complaint-they seemed to not care. The fact that I'd been bleeding for a month straight meant nothing to them. I felt so stupid for even being there. They then sent me back for a pelvic exam/ultra sound. Richard Simmons came out-seriously I wanted to take a picture of the guy cause he looked just like Richard Simmons-and he says, "So Miss, how far along are you"? At this point I almost fell off the bed. I'M NOT PREGNANT! I nearly shouted this as I looked over at John the look of horror arose. haha But seriously-not pregnant. He said-oh I'm sorry. Wrong chart. Yeah-sure. (These people need to watch what they say-John nearly had a heart attack).

Then after a horribly invasive procedure I was sent back to the ER where I was told that I was fine and there was nothing they could do for me. Now mind you-I have been BLEEDING for over a month. My boyfriend had a hemroid a few months ago and had some blood that freaked him out so he went to the ER. Well he may as well have had a heartattack the way they were going on and on about his "situation". My goodness people-a hemroid is not that big of a deal. A woman bleeding every damn day for a month-is probably a little more f***ing serious. My boyfriend was kept over night they had iv's coming out of his arm and all sorts of bs. Now I'm not saying that I wanted any of the procedures done to me that my boyfriend got... but seriously-I was treated like an idiot for going in, and he was treated like a poor injured boy. GAG ME!

What is it about hospitals taking "men's pain" and making it in to this huge emergency and treating women like we should just suck it up and get over it. I'm so mad.

Blood... not true blood-real blood

So I went to the Dr. yesterday and she took some more blood from me. At this point I think I'm at least anemic. Which really sucks. My poor body nearly passed out yesterday. I'm really hoping its all just stress-but the Dr. did elaborate on the yahoo answer. She said it could be stress, thyroid, fibroids, cysts, pregnancy (very unlikely), oh and cancer. The good news is I'm 30... so most of the time it isn't something crazy serious at 30. The bad news is I'm still bleeding. :( I'm getting an ultra sound on Saturday-sounds fun. I'm more than a little freaked out. I'm so drained physically and emotionally. I think I'm going to eat a big steak tonight!

I might die trying

I'm bleeding... yep. For about a month now I've been bleeding. I'm finally going to the doctor today and boy am I a little scared. It could certainly be stress... but when I googled it the yahoo answer I found said, "You are going to die. Sorry but its true." Really? Damn! I'm too young to die. In other news I ran a 5K! I trained and practiced and nearly ruined my feet running on shoes with a worn tread-but I did it. Hopefully I can get this bleeding to stop so I can run some more in my new trainers. Running is actually pretty fun!

Choices

Everyday we are faced with choices. Some choices have very small consequences, while others have much larger ones. It dawned on me this morning as I returned from my 5:30AM walk that I had just made a good choice to start out my day. And now here I am faced with another choice. Do I go back to bed and get just a little more sleep... or do I get going on my day and get to work early. Each choice will have a consequence-if I go back to bed, I'll get the much needed sleep, but I'll probably then make another bad choice and hit snooze until its absolutely drop dead time to get up. This choice while it is so appealing in many ways... won't really give me a great start to my day. Or I can make the choice to get moving... get to work early, miss traffic.

It seems like every minute of my morning can be broken up in to 30 mins. of time in which I make a choice to do this or that for 30 mins. and then at the end of that time I am forced to make yet another choice. The later it gets in my day and the more work that is piled on top of me... the less control I have to make those choices. It seems while at work... I am making so many choices every minute that before I know it my day is over. I really think that for me... getting up early-working out and having a healthy start to my day has enabled me to make better choices. I seem to have more time with my thoughts and my reflections, and have even found time to read some scripture on most days and its changing me.

I think I will stay up and get going on my day. Its a big day... lots of work to do, and my sister and Abbey will get in this evening. I have to say that last night I was absolutely miserable, sad, depressed, overwhelmed... but the love of my life came over after he got off of a late night at work... and helped me get organized. He is amazing. The answer to so many prayers. I choose him... and thank God that he chooses me.

It's Spring time for Hitler

I've been away for a while. So many things have happened since I last blogged I don't even know where to begin. I have never in my life seen such darkness and such light. So many sad things have happened, while on the other hand so many beautiful things have come to pass.

The most beautiful things have come in small packages this year. One of my amazing best friends and her wonderful husband were finally able to welcome their beautiful daughter Emma Elaine in to their home. They have waited for her so long and now that she is finally here we can all see that she was worth the wait. My heart is so full of love and gratitude that God blessed them to become parents. This is definitely one of the most special and beautiful things that has happened this year. I am so sad that I haven't been able to meet this beautiful new addition, but hope to do so very soon!

The saddest thing that happened was the loss of a sweet little boy, while although he is not little in age (22), he was too young to die. I started babysitting Scott "Superman" Baker when he was about 4 years old. I watched him and his brother Rhett every Saturday morning for several years. I loved this little boy and had a very close bond with his Mother, Debbie. Scott was such a good kid, but had some very hard struggles in life. I am still so very sad at the loss... and even more sad that I wasn't able to attend the funeral. Its times like that it is really hard to be so far from home. The sadness in my heart will take a long time to leave and to heal.

Life is so precious. It seems like we never know when it will end, yet we speak unkind words to those we love. We flip off complete strangers who cut us off, when for all we know they are racing to the hospital to say good bye to a loved one. I've spent so many days driving home from work with tears dripping down my face not having a clue how to make them stop. Its made realize one thing- you never know what someone else is dealing with. Life is fucking hard. Sometimes it is so fun, but other times it is just so shitty. Take time to be a little kinder than necessary. Tip a little more, say thank you and say hi to someone that looks sad.

So many people are fighting on Facebook and Twitter about the new healthcare that passed. I want to just tell them to shut up. Its so hard for me to wrap my head around even caring about some of the things happening in the world around me because I feel so helpless. For the record, I'm happy about every American having a chance at healthcare. I hope my friends without insurance can get what they need. I'd rather pay for an American to go to a Doctor than for someone in a foreign country to go. I'm just tired of people fighting. But I guess it will never end, so I better get used to it.

I'm really feeling so sad and lonely tonight. I wish I knew why. Tomorrow my lovely Abbey is finally coming to live with me again. Angie is bringing her to me. I'm so excited to see my sister and Abbey, but I have this anxious pit in my stomach. What if after all this time, she doesn't love me anymore? Then what will I do?

I used to think that I wouldn't feel sad or lonely once I fell in love with the right guy. But here I am in love with the most amazing guy, and I'm still sad and lonely sometimes. I hate this feeling and I wish I could make it go away. But for now I'll just have to let it lie.