As I sit here at Weight Watchers having weighed in heavier than last week I am feeling so defeated. I need help. I have a disease. My disease is "Fat". Being fat controls my life. It hides who i am. It protects me and it shames me. I wasn't always fat. I started life as a normal little girl. I learned to use food as comfort. Food was love and acceptance. Food took away my fear and food was there to comfort me whenever I needed it.
And now that food is killing me I realize that I've got to overcome this. Being fat is so unlike any other disease. For a smoker that quits they don't need three cigarettes a day to keep living. Alcoholics can promise to never touch alcohol again but food- food can not be forsaken. When you are so fat and and depressed the last thing you want to do is work out. You feel grossed out by what you've become and defeated by the amount of weight you've got to lose. You're ashamed. You don't want anyone to see. So you join Weight Watchers. You try Internet diets. But you are still fat you feel even worse. Because now you can add another thing to the list of the things you've failed at. I think of being thin. I think of jumping off a bridge. But no where in my mind do i want to gain more weight. It is a lonely disease. A lonely life. You can't shop in normal stories so shopping is no longer fun. You can't fit comfortably in the seats on a plane so even travel stops being fun.
I'm depressed and can't imagine it getting any better.I wish I could be on the Biggest Loser. Maybe if I had some help I could learn to change my life. But I need serious help. I am so convinced that being fat is a disease. It is a psychological, physical and mental disease.
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13 comments:
You may remain overweight if you continue to insist it is a "disease"...
I never met anyone who lost a bunch of weight believing they had a disease; unless of course the cameras were rolling and they were a spokesman for some magic weight loss potion... the idea that it is a "disease" is designed to help losers who refuse to be accountable for their poor self control.
You have free will. You have control over your mind, spirit, and more importantly, the hand that holds your fork...
Make better food choices. There are tons of online recipes that are easy to make and economically conscious. Don't let depression defeat you, it will only make you get bigger.
And in case you're wondering... I lost 60lbs exercising just 5 minutes a day and eating healthy food recipes online. Did it in 5 months. Still want to lose another 20, but I feel great... and it was less effort as it was "change of attitude"... give it a try.
Quit the disease bullcrap. Don't let the tough love offend... hope this helps you out.
I appreciate the "tough love". I'm merely asking for help. Maybe calling it a "disease" isn't the correct word, but it is definitely not just a "simple" problem. Being over weight is something that just picking the right food is going to fix. It is an emotional thing for me. Posting my inner most feelings on the subject was difficult for me, but I need support-so I'm asking for it. I know it is a step by step process. Trust me I have read all the books, and bought in to all the videos that promise to help you lose weight. I hope that this time it will be different. I'm trying to change my attitude. Please check back in with me in the future. Congratulations on your weight loss! I appreciate the support.
I think it's very brave of you to put something so painfully personal out there on the interweb for anyone to see. Bravo, J.
Losing weight is a bitch, but it can be done. And the fact that you have such a resolute mindset is good, even if the solution hasn't manifested.
For me, hitting rock bottom and the worst depression of my life is what turned me around. 70 pounds ago I was a miserable person.
But not anymore. Make a plan, and stick to it. Dedicate yourself to Weight Watchers - what a great program!
Much love,
Spenc
I agree with Spence, this is a very heartfelt and painfully honest post. And as someone who can relate I appreciated reading it. Let me just to “Anonymous” that I find his/her style of “tough love” offensive and more so because it’s coming from “Anonymous”. I think it’s garbage when people say that they’ve lost tons of weight by exercising 5 minutes a day, or doing things like taking the stairs instead of the elevator, or simply by eliminating carbonated beverages from their diet. Maybe that really is true for them, but it is not the case for everyone. It is physiologically and psychologically much harder for some people to lose weight than others. I’m one of those people. I guess it’s not impossible, but it’s hard and I haven’t been successful at it yet (and like you, Jess, not from lack of trying) I do think that being fat is a disease in the same way that alcoholism is a disease. And in a way it’s harder because, like you said, you can’t forsake food. And I enjoy food so much. It is one of my favorite things in this life. I rank it higher than orgasms and massages (although those are close seconds and thirds). I truly live to eat. I go to bed thinking about what I get to eat in the morning. I am not exaggerating. So is it harder for me to be thin than it is for someone else? I think so. Is it harder for a sex addict to remain celibate than it is for someone with a mild libido? Hell yeah. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, Jess, I understand your pain. I wish there was something I could do to help you. Please don’t jump off a bridge. I love and adore you. Good luck, and don’t give up. And when you find the secret be sure to share it with me.
As wise as "Anonymous" claims to be in the tough realities of the world I think he's pretty out of touch. It's hard for me to imagine why you would think that tough love bull shit philosophy has any value except to place yourself in a position of superiority.
What are you addicted to that we can preach to you about Anonymous? Internet porn? Lying? Maybe self-righteousness? Everyone has their vices my friend. Maybe yours do not manifest on the surface. I am very offended at your approach and wonder how many professional therapists you could find that have found success with their patients being such an ass.
Here's the thing. We are all dying. People with ideal body weight get cancer or die in accidents all the time. Fat people can outlive skinny people. What matters is your day to day happiness. I believe that you can be happy. I also don't think that by accepting yourself as you are now, you will destroy your desire to set goals and improve your life.
This is going to sound bad at first but what if someone could tell you the future and they told you that you'll never really beat it; When you die you will be the same weight that you are now. You would realize that all the hurting and suffering has gotten you nowhere. You would probably accept that there is no point ruining the rest of your life experience with feelings of self-hatred. You would want to find a way to be happy that is not based on the unpredictable way that your body responds to diet.
Fortunately we can try to shape our future by setting goals but we can really only hope for the best right? We have no guarantees that things will improve. You have to find peace with yourself right now.
You have your own unique body that has a specific genetic predisposition. If you could look back a few generations into your family's past you would see that the genetic trait you despise is why your family survived in the climate of their time. Your body is not your enemy, it is always adapting to increase the chances that you and your posterity will move on. The study of epigenomes has shown that your body is directly affected by how well your great great great great great grandfather ate when he was a teenager. That information is recorded within us for our own good. Your body is miraculous. How can we expect nature that is planning hundreds of years in advance to adjust to the curve ball which is our current definition of beauty? A standard which has been established in only the past 100 years within our specific culture? It's a good thing our bodies are wiser and have a broader perspective than we do.
When you exercise do not do it to lose weight. Do it because you know that it is always good for you no matter how much or how little. Do it because it empowers you. A healthy goal might be to run a certain distance but it should not be based on something chaotic that is out of your control. This will make you feel bad when you only have reason to be satisfied.
There is already too many things in this life that go wrong and cause us to suffer. Why do we punish ourselves emotionally as well? Too many things are going right to not notice.
I love you Jess. I think you are beautiful and I hate to hear you getting down about this. It's no doubt a huge challenge. I struggle with it as well. Just always remember that you are loved unconditionally.
If Anonymous is a family member than good luck with that especially. Be patient with those uninformed people who think that making people feel like crap helps strengthen their character.Don't even entertain such destructive ideas.
I am so overwhelmed and thankful for all of the love and understanding. I have no idea who "Anonymous" is... but maybe I should introduce myself to them. I already work out 5 minutes a day. In fact... I walk 5 miles a day. I commute 4 hours a day to work. By the time I get home at night I'm exhausted... and well lets be honest... finding healthy recipes online is the last thing on my mind. However, it brings up a good point... if I want to lose weight I have got to plan ahead. I've got to make a plan. If I just float along hoping to lose the weight in some magical way then I know I won't be able to lose it.
Thank you Spencer for all of your support. You have been such an inspiration to me as I've seen in pictures you've turned in to one sexy man! Not that you weren't sexy before, because in fact I've always adored you. But you look so much happier these days and I know that a lot of it has to do with your much healthier lifestyle that you are living now. You continue to inspire me and I've read the great recipes you've compiled on your website. Again... thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.
Shannon! The woman who has been with me on at least half of my "weight loss" adventures. The first one I remember is the Cabbage Soup Diet. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out most of the week... but I think we lost like 8 pounds that week. haha Then there was the bring the healthy food to lunch group we started. Gosh Shan... I think you understand my pain so well. Although I think you are such a sexy beautiful woman, I know that it matters most what you think of yourself because in the end... we are our own worst critics. I am so thankful for your support in every step of my life. I miss you so much and I am hoping that we can have a nice long conversation soon!
Chris!!!! I adore you! I always have and I'm so glad that you married my best friend. You are such a great guy. Your support made me smile today. It means so much to me to have great friends that can see that I have a problem, and to help me acknowledge it, but then to see that it is not the only thing that defines me. I will keep on walking five miles a day on my way to and from work... but I will also try and sneak in other ways to exercise. I think you're right... I need to change my attitude about working out. If I look at it like its something fun that I am doing because I enjoy it and not because I need to work out... well I know it will be much more enjoyable.
I plan on keeping you all up to date on this issue. I think it gives me some more accountability and also it will give me a cheering section. I appreciate all of the love and support I could not do this without you.
Thank you for helping me to firm up a better plan to tackle my "disease", my "problem", my "biggest challenge" my "crutch. I love you guys!
Gag.
Anonymous, Gag? Oh wait... that must be how you lost all that weight.
Anonymous! You finally gave me the best idea! I'm going to gag myself from now on! Eating disorder-the way to go! Now I know how you lost 60 lbs. by working out only 5 minutes a day!Thanks!
Jess- I first of all want you to know that you are a beutiful wonderful person, you are willing to do anything for anyone and will go to great lengths to do so, you are a hard worker, and I know you can do this!! Here is a few steps you should take. 1. walk walk walk, during lunch walk some where to eat your lunch and walk back, at the grocery store park in the very back so you can walk in, walk through those beautiful parks in new york, and walk to anyting you can. 2. No soda, I gained 5lbs from drinking soda, and when I quite drinking it I lost those 5lbs, so no soda!! 3. Lots and lots of water!! 4.Work out everyday that you can, but don't go all out everyday, start with 20 min a day, doing kick boxing or jumping jacks, jogging in place, squats, crunches, punching, lundgis, dangcing, leg lifts, or whatever you can think of for thsoe 20 min, you will slowly started to add more time because you want to! And eventually, honestly, you will see results! 5. Healthy diet, try to look for low calorie, and low in sugar items. salads with lots of veggies are good, chicken, low fat cottage cheese, fruit & veggies, veggie crisps, others meat as well but small portions, rice cakes, tuna, organic things (not all but some) I would suggest getting the south beach diet cookbook, you can probably find it at any book store, and it has really good recipes that are really good for you! 6. Rememeber you are very loved and very missed, you are very beutiful amazing person and I wish there is more I could do to help you out, but another idea is when your sad, or depressed try doing something new like, working out, or painting, or drawing, or keeping up on your italian, going for a walk, calling someone you love that you have talked to in a while freinds or family, punch something (pillow, or whatever) write things down, come up with ideas to make money ( I love this one) get a little soccer ball you can dribble around or whatever, just anything besides going for the comfort food, the food will just make you feel yuck after, but all these other activites will help make you feel better, and help de-stress yourself, and remeber you have many people who love and care for you and are here to help you!
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