You racist b*tch!

Hi... so I had one of the weirdest things happen to me today. I work in a very interesting place. In my office there are people from all walks of life. One of my favorite people in my office is Sharlene. She is rad. She and I could not be more opposite. She lives in Paterson, which, if you know NJ is not necessarily the best place to be on any day. Especially if you are white like me. But Sharlene and I have so much fun together. 

Most days Sharlene and I have lunch together. Today was one of those days. We were eating in the kitchen of our office when in walked this "classy, upper class" white woman. She has always been very nice and complimentary to me, but today I saw a very ugly side of her. As Sharlene and I were sitting there the other woman was making small talk. Then all of a sudden she turned to me and said, "You're so smart. Why are you hanging out with that one"? I was not only embarrassed for this woman, but mad as hell. I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Oh I know she is, but Sharlene hangs out with me so that I'll feel cool". You'd think by that, the woman would have gotten the clue and shut up. But no... she looked straight at me and pointed at me, "Oh no... I'm talking to you, you are too smart for her". I basically stopped looking at this woman and just sat there in wonderment. Sharlene and I were dumbfounded. 

So what... Shar and I grew up on opposite sides of the track. We had different struggle in our lives, and we've had different experiences. But somehow we relate to each other so well. She is such an awesome woman and has come so far. I'm so proud of her. For me to hear that woman belittle her hurt me so much. It was not fair, completely inappropriate and so racist. 

I guess that ever day we still must continue to learn and grow. I'm so thankful to my parents for moving to Denver when I was young. I was the only white girl in my class in first grade. Because of that I learned that we were all the same. My time there showed me that it truly did not matter if I was white or black. They say that racism is taught and I truly believe that. I hope that I'm able to teach my children to love and accept everyone for who they are, and not based upon the color of their skin. 

In breaking news... John and I are no longer fighting. I am head over heals. Great match for me! :) J+J FOREVER! ha

I just want to know today

...that maybe I will be ok. So this week I have not slept much. I've been super tired during the day and then I feel so alive at night. Its been weird to say the least. Its almost like I'm on London time or something. I can't explain it but it isn't very fun. Last night I drove to Edgewater. Its this little town in New Jersey just before the GWB (George Washington Bridge) and next to Ft. Lee. From Edgewater you can see all of Manhattan just across the Hudson.

While I was there at my place I felt so at peace. I'm able to think clearly from my spot. Life doesn't seem so hard and I am reminded why I came back here. I love NYC. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to live so close. Sure, I would love to live in the city and maybe in due time I can, but for now I'm just happy to be close to it. I'm still waiting to hear about the job. They emailed me the other day and said that they really like me and will be making their final decision on March 6th. So I'll have news hopefully by the end of next week. If I don't get the job I'll feel so dumb, but I'll let you all know. 

For now I think we should just kiss and say goodbye... cause I'm tired!

I need the values and talents of every American!

Last night as I listened to President Obama, I took a moment and smiled. It hit me last night more than it has at any other moment of his presidency... we elected him. For years I followed this man and read his speeches and watched Youtube videos of rallies. He always knows how to take my breath away. President Barack Obama. Just the sound of that brings a smile to my face. 

A little over a year ago I was at a loss. I didn't have much hope for my future or that of my country. Last night as I watched the Congress stand up and down, I was hit with a burst of hope. Pres. Obama has that amazing talent to give hope in every speech. He was speaking to Congress... but every American felt like he was addressing them personally. I wanted to stand up and applaud him myself. He is truly a great man, and a great leader. We can get through this as a country, as a family. We just have to rely on the things that make America so great. 

So here I sit tonight alone in my room. I had a rough day... been having them lately. I haven't been sleeping. Too many things on my mind. I miss my Grandma, I miss my dog (leaving her with my sister-even temporarily is the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do), I miss my sister, I miss my girls. John and I are fighting. I don't even know what we're fighting about, but it isn't helping my current mood. I'm stressed. Stressed to the abso-fuckin-lutely absolute heights. 

I left all that I had... left it and moved 2,000 miles away from everything I ever knew. I'm grateful that my home sold when it did-yet it somehow seems ironic that after being a home owner I'm living in the room of a home occupied by my friend and her parents. I need a job. I heard from the USTA yesterday, they will be making their decision by the end of next week... but until then I'm so stressed. 

I have a simple wish. I want a job that will pay me enough to enable me to get my own place. I want a simple home. I want a place that I can bring my Abbey. I want to come home to her at the end of the day. It is tearing me apart to be away from her. I want a space for John and I to have simplicity. Things now in both our living situations make it difficult for us to spend much time alone. 

And to top it off the Kardashians have a pet monkey. WTF?

Best Picture

So yesterday I went with my friend Sara, to an all day Best Picture Showcase. It was one of the coolest things I've ever been able to do concerning the Oscars. It started at 10:30 in the morning and ended around 11:30 at night! We watched back to back all five Best Picture nominees. 

The order in which we watched them:

Milk

The Reader

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Slumdog Millionaire

Frost/Nixon

I'd only seen The Reader and Slumdog Millionaire previously. I was so happy to be able to watch all five nominees like this because I felt like I was really able to lay them all down on the table and really decide who I thought deserved the nod for Best Picture. 

By now the Oscars are over... and this post is obsolete... but I was going to pick Slumdog and Slumdog got it. haha I think I'll write about all of the movies tomorrow. I'm way too tired tonight. 

RIP

My great grandma passed away today. She was 90.... so she definitely had a full life. I'm just sad that I live too far away to attend the funeral. I'm going to be home next month for my sister's wedding... so I really can't swing another trip home this weekend. 

I'm lost for words. Just wanted to say that I loved my Great Grandma. I have some really fond memories of her. When I was young she had a beauty shop off of her house. Every time I went to visit her she would do my hair. I loved it!!! My Mother wonders why I like pampering myself so much... but she is the one that took me to a beauty salon as a toddler. haha

Life is short... or is it long? Hard to tell. 

I wish I had a picture to post here of her. She was great. I love you Grandma... and sorry for all the naughty things you're going to see me doing now that you are a ghost. 

Update!

Ok... so one more big interview on Friday at 2pm EST. Please cross your fingers!!! The interview is going to be me and the other person that they would like to hire with me and the two people we will be working with. I guess they want to make sure that we all like each other and can work together. The guy told me that they really like me and have a good feeling about me. 

I'm finally coming out of my funk and so life is good again. Thank god! I was really getting tired of driving over bridges and thinking about jumping off. 

We're off to see the Wizard!

So for as much as I'd really like to make sooo many comments about the previous post... I'm going to go ahead and ignore it. 

Today I had my second interview with USTA. It went so well! I was led in to an office by a nice lady and once inside I looked up to see Wizard of Oz paraphernalia. I took that as a good sign. She told me not to be nervous because this wasn't an interview. She merely wanted to make sure that I knew what I was getting in to. haha So... I don't want to get too excited because they want me to meet one more person that I will be working closely with and make sure that we gel... but I think I've got it! 

Finally I feel like things in my life are starting to work out. This job will really put me on the track for my life that I have been waiting for. Sure... sure nothing in my plans have made any sense lately... but sometimes it sure is time for a change of plan. I'm not completely counting out grad school... it just seems like after all of the obstacles that I've faced it may not be time for me to go right now. Life is sure crazy and full of surprises. haha

WTF

Facebook update:

Reggie Hobbs is now married.

WTFFFFFFFFFFFF

Hurray!!!

So today was AWESOME! I woke up at 5:30 in such an excitement that I couldn't really get back to sleep. I decided to reread about the USTA (U.S. Tennis Association) and the U.S. Open. There are so many exciting things going on in tennis and I really hope I get a chance to be involved in the events this year. 

I left work around 11:30 and took a nice drive out to Queens. It turned out to be a little bit of a pain in the ass because of the insanely crazy wind directly from Chicago. The police were limiting the amount of cars on the White Stone Bridge and that had traffic backed up! I finally got to the new Citi Field!!! I was so excited to see the Mets new home! I almost forgot about my interview... but I managed to pull down my excitement long enough to find the Tennis Center. 

After getting lost only once in the huge Sports Complex... i made my way to my interview. It went so well. I hit it off with my interviewer right away. I talked about my experiences and he told me a little about the job and what I'd be doing. Two hours later... the interview ended. It was soooo awesome! I've never had an interview go so long. I go back in on Monday for a second interview so I will definitely keep you posted! What a good day!!! Only... seriously I'm going to have to take the train or I will be paying like $100 in tolls a week! 

 

There's Hope....

Ok... so you can probably tell if you read my blog or know me at all... life has not been the greatest lately. Well yesterday I got some semi-bad news from a job that I've been working at for the past 90 days. You see... I've been working as a "temp" in the hopes that after 90 days they would be able to hire me. Well the economy decided to bite everyone in the ass... so unfortunately the company is in the middle of a hiring freeze. At first I was kinda bummed. I even cried a little... but after I stopped crying... I realized it was the push I needed. 

My great friend MaryAnne took me out to dinner and beer last night to drowned my sorrows. MaryAnne is so positive that I didn't really have time to feel bad for myself... instead she gave me a great pep talk. I took today off from the "temp" job to search for jobs. Well on Monday I had applied for this job with the U.S. Open. I'll get to that in a minute... so I spent my day getting organized and applying for several jobs. My attitude today just changed... the sun was out and it was warm and I made it to the gym. At 5 pm I got a call from the USTA (U.S. Tennis Association)! I have an interview with them tomorrow at 2. Cross your fingers... do a dance. I want this job. I am so qualified for this job. I need this job! 

I heard this great India. Arie called, There's Hope. You should check it out if you are feeling blue or sad. Great beat and wonderful message. I'll keep you posted about the job... I hope this is it. This would really be a fantastic opportunity for me. 

Losing Touch

I haven't blogged in so long. Truthfully I've been in a bit of a funk. Things in my life have just not gone my way the past couple of months. The things that have happened have left me questioning myself and questioning my entire life. The one thing that has gone right is that I have a great boyfriend. He is supportive and loving and kind. But as we all know... when one thing in your life is going well... other aspects can't. It is just a rule in the universe. 

First: I moved out here to go to grad school. Nothing about me going to grad school has been easy. I have jumped through hoops. I've decided that I will not be going to Seton Hall. I'm too tired to deal with their bull shit. I'm now in the process of applying to be a matriculated student at William Paterson. They have a good program and I'll be able to get my Masters in International Relations. The problem I have now... do I really want to go to grad school? 

A) I love learning. I love studying International Relations and I love knowing and understanding the world. 

B) I miss sports. I miss the fun and all the hard work of putting on a game and an event. I miss working in something where I can be creative. 

Second: I feel like relationships I've had all my life (or for a long time) are falling apart, or were never really that strong to begin with. This has been a realization that I've discovered from reading things on Facebook and on blogs. People who I thought were good friends have become people I once knew. Part of this is my fault, as I'm not the best at keeping in touch with people, and part of it is because I've burned so many bridges, mostly accidental. I'm so far from my family now... I think they have forgotten about me. 

Third: My little sister is getting married. My 20 year old sister. Its not funny, its not cute, its damn depressing. I don't know if anyone can understand how or why I feel like this. I'm not proud to admit it, but I am embarrassed, hurt, confused and angry at the universe. I am so happy for her, but it seems like it shouldn't be happening. I watched most of my best friends get married and I was ok, I was even happy for them. But now that my little 20 year old sister is getting married and I have to fly 2,000 miles to stand outside of the wedding, I am less than thrilled. I know the barrage of questions I will have to answer, the whispers and the glances I will have to endure. I don't know why I was raised in a culture that is so judgmental and mean. 

Fourth: My job sucks. I am so happy to have a job, so I can't complain too much. But I really think it sucks. I have a degree... and this is what I'm doing? It just doesn't make sense. I need a job that lets me use my creativity and my passion. Instead I'm paying Dr.'s for using and pushing the drug I represent. 

Fifth: I'm sure some smarmy person out there is reading this and thinking that I just need an attitude adjustment. They are probably right, but its winter and I'm depressed and I'm trying to figure out all of the things that are bothering me. 

Its going to be 40 degrees today. I think I should take the train in to the city and go to some of the places I love. That will remind me of why I'm here. I know that moving back to Utah is not the answer for me. There is nothing there for me. I just need to figure out what my next move should be. I sure as hell hope I figure it out soon. I'm not getting any younger.