Thursday, March 25, 2010


Everyday we are faced with choices. Some choices have very small consequences, while others have much larger ones. It dawned on me this morning as I returned from my 5:30AM walk that I had just made a good choice to start out my day. And now here I am faced with another choice. Do I go back to bed and get just a little more sleep... or do I get going on my day and get to work early. Each choice will have a consequence-if I go back to bed, I'll get the much needed sleep, but I'll probably then make another bad choice and hit snooze until its absolutely drop dead time to get up. This choice while it is so appealing in many ways... won't really give me a great start to my day. Or I can make the choice to get moving... get to work early, miss traffic.

It seems like every minute of my morning can be broken up in to 30 mins. of time in which I make a choice to do this or that for 30 mins. and then at the end of that time I am forced to make yet another choice. The later it gets in my day and the more work that is piled on top of me... the less control I have to make those choices. It seems while at work... I am making so many choices every minute that before I know it my day is over. I really think that for me... getting up early-working out and having a healthy start to my day has enabled me to make better choices. I seem to have more time with my thoughts and my reflections, and have even found time to read some scripture on most days and its changing me.

I think I will stay up and get going on my day. Its a big day... lots of work to do, and my sister and Abbey will get in this evening. I have to say that last night I was absolutely miserable, sad, depressed, overwhelmed... but the love of my life came over after he got off of a late night at work... and helped me get organized. He is amazing. The answer to so many prayers. I choose him... and thank God that he chooses me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's Spring time for Hitler

I've been away for a while. So many things have happened since I last blogged I don't even know where to begin. I have never in my life seen such darkness and such light. So many sad things have happened, while on the other hand so many beautiful things have come to pass.

The most beautiful things have come in small packages this year. One of my amazing best friends and her wonderful husband were finally able to welcome their beautiful daughter Emma Elaine in to their home. They have waited for her so long and now that she is finally here we can all see that she was worth the wait. My heart is so full of love and gratitude that God blessed them to become parents. This is definitely one of the most special and beautiful things that has happened this year. I am so sad that I haven't been able to meet this beautiful new addition, but hope to do so very soon!

The saddest thing that happened was the loss of a sweet little boy, while although he is not little in age (22), he was too young to die. I started babysitting Scott "Superman" Baker when he was about 4 years old. I watched him and his brother Rhett every Saturday morning for several years. I loved this little boy and had a very close bond with his Mother, Debbie. Scott was such a good kid, but had some very hard struggles in life. I am still so very sad at the loss... and even more sad that I wasn't able to attend the funeral. Its times like that it is really hard to be so far from home. The sadness in my heart will take a long time to leave and to heal.

Life is so precious. It seems like we never know when it will end, yet we speak unkind words to those we love. We flip off complete strangers who cut us off, when for all we know they are racing to the hospital to say good bye to a loved one. I've spent so many days driving home from work with tears dripping down my face not having a clue how to make them stop. Its made realize one thing- you never know what someone else is dealing with. Life is fucking hard. Sometimes it is so fun, but other times it is just so shitty. Take time to be a little kinder than necessary. Tip a little more, say thank you and say hi to someone that looks sad.

So many people are fighting on Facebook and Twitter about the new healthcare that passed. I want to just tell them to shut up. Its so hard for me to wrap my head around even caring about some of the things happening in the world around me because I feel so helpless. For the record, I'm happy about every American having a chance at healthcare. I hope my friends without insurance can get what they need. I'd rather pay for an American to go to a Doctor than for someone in a foreign country to go. I'm just tired of people fighting. But I guess it will never end, so I better get used to it.

I'm really feeling so sad and lonely tonight. I wish I knew why. Tomorrow my lovely Abbey is finally coming to live with me again. Angie is bringing her to me. I'm so excited to see my sister and Abbey, but I have this anxious pit in my stomach. What if after all this time, she doesn't love me anymore? Then what will I do?

I used to think that I wouldn't feel sad or lonely once I fell in love with the right guy. But here I am in love with the most amazing guy, and I'm still sad and lonely sometimes. I hate this feeling and I wish I could make it go away. But for now I'll just have to let it lie.