Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy F*ckin New Year

I'm sitting here in my room on New Year's Eve getting ready to go out. My ipod has been on random... which maybe isn't the best idea since music has such a strong effect on my mood. I started thinking about all of the men who have hurt me in my life. I really must say I am so done with it. I'm done with hurting because someone else doesn't know how to love me or won't love me. I'm no longer going to beg to be loved. I'm going to love myself more than anyone every will... so I may as well work on that person. 

This year its all about me. I don't care how that sounds. I have thought of others most of my life. I'm not going to say that I'm perfect or the kindest or best person... but I think over all I've been less selfish than some. This mood I'm in has me feeling like finishing off this bottle of champagne and blowing off my boyfriend. That really isn't New Years happiness celebration of me... but I'm just not in the mood for it now. 

From the moment I started loving it has been one broken heart after another. I guess that is my fault for putting it out there so much but now I feel like my heart is so broken it will take so much tape and glue to fix it permanently. It is so broken that I don't think I'm good for anyone. I am ruined. Destroyed. Unable to love. I have a great boyfriend... we have issues like every relationship.... but he is overall great. I just feel so tired of having to explain everything... why don't men read minds? (I'm being sarcastic... kind of... but seriously. I'm tired! )

For the past couple of years I was starting to think that maybe I was ready to settle down and get married in the next five-ten years... but now I'm starting to rethink that. Men will always let me down. Men will always break my heart and no one knows how to love me. I'm tired of my issues with love. I'm tired of hurting because of another person. I never hurt myself. I'm tired. 

So really... Happy F*ckin New Year... seriously... its ok to drink that whole bottle of champagne. I'll see you at the gym in the morning.