When I grow up I want to be John's girlfriend....

Tonight my heart is so full of love. Yes I know it sounds a little like a song from Les Mis... but it is what it is. After my terrible New Year's Eve post I was swept off my feat at a party thrown by one of John's best friends in Hoboken. John has the greatest friends. Not as great as mine of course... but they were so cool. All night we laughed and they included me in their conversations and games. I even got to hear some funny stories about John as a teenager. 

John and I were able to spend a lot of time together during the break and it made me realize a lot of things. 1. I have been through a lot of shit with men in my life. My experiences have made me who I am today and I'm pretty proud of who I've become. 2. Almost every relationship I ever had was purely sex driven. I'm sorry to confess that on here in case it comes as a shock to anyone... but my past "boyfriends" have not been very nice. I'm finally with a man who respects and loves me... and its about time! 

Furthermore, I'm scared. I'm about to embark on one of the scariest adventures of my life. I'm going to Grad school. Me? Grad school! It.Is.Very.Scary. and unbelievable. If someone would have told me two years ago that I'd be back in New Jersey getting ready to start grad school I would have laughed. I can hardly believe that the dream of becoming a diplomat is on its way to being realized. For this I have myself to thank... but also I have John to thank. I can truly say that without him none of this would have been made possible. I'm equally as happy to realize that with him by my side nothing is impossible. 

For anyone reading this and throwing up in their mouths I have to say... I deserve this. I have been through the ringer. I've had liars and cheaters and abusers and just the worst possible men in my life. So I'm sorry for blah blah blahing about my wonderful boyfriend... but when I grow up I want to be John's girlfriend. :) 

I had a really nice Christmas break. I was able to see my family and my best girls! :) It was all so overwhelming I don't know if I have the strength to blog about it... but it was nice. 

Happy F*ckin New Year

I'm sitting here in my room on New Year's Eve getting ready to go out. My ipod has been on random... which maybe isn't the best idea since music has such a strong effect on my mood. I started thinking about all of the men who have hurt me in my life. I really must say I am so done with it. I'm done with hurting because someone else doesn't know how to love me or won't love me. I'm no longer going to beg to be loved. I'm going to love myself more than anyone every will... so I may as well work on that person. 

This year its all about me. I don't care how that sounds. I have thought of others most of my life. I'm not going to say that I'm perfect or the kindest or best person... but I think over all I've been less selfish than some. This mood I'm in has me feeling like finishing off this bottle of champagne and blowing off my boyfriend. That really isn't New Years happiness celebration of me... but I'm just not in the mood for it now. 

From the moment I started loving it has been one broken heart after another. I guess that is my fault for putting it out there so much but now I feel like my heart is so broken it will take so much tape and glue to fix it permanently. It is so broken that I don't think I'm good for anyone. I am ruined. Destroyed. Unable to love. I have a great boyfriend... we have issues like every relationship.... but he is overall great. I just feel so tired of having to explain everything... why don't men read minds? (I'm being sarcastic... kind of... but seriously. I'm tired! )

For the past couple of years I was starting to think that maybe I was ready to settle down and get married in the next five-ten years... but now I'm starting to rethink that. Men will always let me down. Men will always break my heart and no one knows how to love me. I'm tired of my issues with love. I'm tired of hurting because of another person. I never hurt myself. I'm tired. 

So really... Happy F*ckin New Year... seriously... its ok to drink that whole bottle of champagne. I'll see you at the gym in the morning. 

I'm in love

Hello love!!! I went in to the city on Saturday. I went to my favorite area.... the upper west side. :) The best part of my day was when I fell in love. I met a little bakery called Magnolia. I had one of these cupcakes... and I fell madly and truly in love. First of all they are so fucking cute that you can't help but fall for them... and they are so so yummy. Finally I have fallen in love with a rich man... cause damn these things are richhhhh! The second best part of the day was the drunk homeless man sitting in Strawberry Fields with a sign that read, "Hey I'll be honest... I just want to buy a beer". I almost gave him a dollar for making me laugh... but then he told me and everyone else to get out of dodge. So I kept my dollar for the subway. 

I had such a great weekend. Nothing major happened. I hung out at Pace University with John most Saturday night cause he had to run a volleyball tournament but Sunday we went to brunch and had a great time. Sunday afternoon I went and saw my friend Gus in The Tempest. It was a fun production in Nutley, NJ (Martha Stewart's hometown). It was a great evening with friends and loves. 

Life is finally starting to feel normal again and fall in to place. I'm so happy to be back here. 

I made an observation the other night while crying my eyes out to yet another episode of Grey's Anatomy. (Is it just me or is this season especially emotional?) It seems like these tv shows that we know and love are giving us the "happy ending" we all kinda need right now. I mean with the economy so shitty... people don't want to watch shows about lovers fighting or people not ending up with the one they love. So Meridith and Derek are happy now... and Pam and Jim are back together even though she failed her graphic design class in the city and even Betty is having some good luck. 

In other news the company that I'm working at is firing EVERYBODY! Its so scary. I hate just sitting there at my desk working while other people are being escorted out of the building. Everyone tells me not to worry... but I was the last person hired and I don't really feel secure there yet. The good thing is that I have a standing offer to work at Starbucks and lord knows how much I love my coffee. 

Thats it for now. I'm kind of an old lady and I want to go to bed. 

I will survive!

At first I was afraid...I was petrified. But then last night...I told Reggie off. It felt so good. That bastard. He totally broke my heart and continued to talk to me as if nothing had happened!!! I didn't say much... but I'm so done with that shit! I felt so much better. Now that chapter is closed. He is soooooo not worth it. It is very strange/upsetting to have this realization after falling so completely in love with him only months ago. But my heart is a strange strange bird. I have the resilience of a mt. lion. So bring on the men.... seriously. Bring on the next victim. I'm ready for new love! Good bye Reggie Hobbs. GOOD BYE forever. 

When Jessica Met John

Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? If not... then you should watch it immediately. It is one of my all time favorite movies. I know you hate Meg Ryan (Shannon, Heidi, Doug.. and possibly others of you) but this movie is so sweet and classic. Its a true romance story for our modern day. Almost every time I watch it I realize that my story with John has been similar to the movie. 

Although.... when we first met we liked each other, but I moved back to Utah. Well all those years that I spent in Utah John kept in touch with me. At first when I moved back he would just message me on yahoo occasionally. Then it progressed to several text messages a day. I let him take the lead on everything. I never called him and occasionally he would call me. That progressed to weekly calls... then daily. Then came all sorts of men in my life. BAD BAD BAD men! I dated some of the meanest meanies in the world. I'm really good at finding them. All through this John and I stayed in touch. He slowly became one of my best friends. We would spend several hours a night talking about all sorts of things. 

Then the fates turned and John and I were able to meet up in San Diego for July 4, 2007. We had a wonderful time. I really enjoyed being with him. John has always pushed me to believe in myself and to not give up on my dreams. By August I was sure that I was in love with John. I was driving down the street one day and it hit me. I was in love with him. Well it didn't take long for the distance between John and I to create some real problems. By February 2008 John was dating someone else. Well that didn't last long. She broke his heart... it was good for him though, so I didn't feel too bad. 

In May I met a wonderful man. I thought he was the love of my life. I'd never hit if off with someone so completely. Everything seemed so great. As most of my relationships it went to hell. Fast forward to October. I moved to New Jersey. Upon moving to Jersey I had a plane ticket to Charleston to visit Reggie. A few days of being here... I soon decided that I didn't want to go to Charleston. John encouraged me to go. He has been so supportive of all of my relationships (even though the whole time he was in love with me). I even cried about Reggie in John's arms. 

Well here I am today. John and I have been seeing each other. He's a great guy. He doesn't have a lot of experience in relationships... so I have to be patient with him and teach him. Impressively he is quite open to change. I don't know for sure what will happen with this.... as I never know. But I did mention to John my usual 3 month track record with men... he insured me that he won't be going anywhere anytime soon. 

I'm sitting here now watching When Harry Met Sally. It reminds me of me and John a lot. I kinda like him. I'll keep you posted. 

Where everybody knows your name....

I am still basking in the after light of Barack Obama's historical victory. This is a great time for our country and I am so completely happy. I have even more hope now than I had when he announced his candidacy. I feel like this country is ready to be a positive change in the world. I have been so saddened by the lack of foreign policy in the past eight years. I often credit George W. Bush in inspiring me to become a diplomat. (because of his lack of dipomacy) 

I drove to Seton Hall yesterday where I will begin grad school in Sept 2009. I am so excited! As I drove on to campus I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was in the right place, doing the right thing. Life is not always easy... in fact I feel like I've had some very trying times in the past couple of years. But it finally seems like all of those things I've been working on have paid off. Things in my personal and professional life are really starting to feel right and good. I'll be sure and keep you posted. 

In other news.... I am very scared that ABC is going to cancel one of my favorite shows, Pushing Daisies (pictured above). If you haven't seen it...please watch it! It is absolutely adorable. It is about a Pie maker who can bring people back from the dead (but only momentarily without killing something else) Also, Kristin Chenoweth is in it. So please please watch it! 

A heart full of love!

Thank you America. In the words of NAS...."America surprise us...let a black man guide us"! This is about us. This is about what we as Americans can do if we come together. I am so happy. I feel so much love. We have so much work to do now. It is time to roll up our sleeves and get going!