La Vita da Jessica

Where do I even begin

2010-07-24T10:08:00.003-04:00

As I sit here writing this post I am listening to country music. Yes you heard me right-country music. I don't know why but when I get especially sad and homesick its the only thing I want to listen to. Its funny to me because my parents don't listen to country music, my friends don't really listen to it-but my little sister Heather and my brother, Ben listen to it. So here I am sad, lonely, depressed and kinda scared-listening to some country music. haha I had a wonderful vacation with my Johnny but I wasn't feeling well for most of the trip so it took a lot out of me. I absolutely loved seeing my family and friends! But I am a picture failure! I hardly took any pictures! I'm so mad at myself.

We started the trip in Salt Lake. It was so great to see all of my family minus Heather and Jay (who were greatly missed). I loved introducing them to John. I think I have a great family. They were so welcoming to him and made him feel at home. I was happy to see how well he got along with my dad. I finally got to meet some beautiful babies that I had only met via pictures. Emma and Emily Jane were absolutely gorgeous! I am so happy for my friends and their beautiful babies. It is so fun to see your girls become mommies. I was able to see a lot more people this time that I usually get to see so it was nice. Thanks to Christian, Deanna, Emma, Shannon, Chris, Max, Heidi, Allison, Nicole, Emily Jane, Jason, Debbie, Scott and Bailey for coming to see me and meet my man! I have really gorgeous friends and I really wish I would have taken a group photo to prove it. :) Next time I'll hire my sister to be the photographer. Major fail was I didn't get a picture with my adorable niece Audrey. She is really amazing. I was a little heart broken because she didn't seem to like me very much since she doesn't know me it took her a while to warm up-but in due time she will come to know me as the cool auntie that sends her cool stuff from New York. haha

Overall I think John liked Utah. He thought the mountains were beautiful and he really liked my friends and family. My Grandpa didn't even give him a hard time-so I think he will last. :)

From there we were on to San Fran-I can sum this up in one word FREEZING! We had planned on it being cool there, but they were having a cold front and it was 55 degrees. About half of what it was in NY. I was glad it wasn't hot because I spent most of my days wandering around the city while John was in workshops. It was nice to be in a more relaxed city and enjoyed my quiet time to think and reflect on my life. I also had the chance to see an old friend and it was nice to catch up with her. John didn't propose-which was actually kind of sad. Everyone thought he was going to-so I was totally bummed when he didn't. I know he's waiting to surprise me. At this point he has let so many "perfect" opportunities pass-but we'll see.

To continue on from my previous post- I am still bleeding! The doctor put me on birth control and that managed to make me sick, sorta crazy but didn't manage to stop the bleeding. I had a biopsy on Thursday and she said the lining on my uterus is incredibly thick and she is very concerned about it. She believes its probably pre-cancerous. Unfortunately I had to go to this appointment alone and it was all I could do to get out of there before I sobbed my eyes out. I am scared and I want my Mommy. It sucks to be so far from home especially when something scary happens. Thankfully my darling Deanna has been through all this scary stuff before (unfortunately she has been through it way too many times) but she has been my rock and support in this. I'm so thankful for all of her advice and understanding. John has been wonderful-but he can't always understand what it feels like for a girl.

To top it all off I got a new boss and I really, really, really DISLIKE her. She is awful. My staff hates her. I can't deal with this right now. So I will just ignore her and hope that she goes away.

ER-Stat!

2010-06-28T15:51:00.003-04:00

Ok, ok so I have to start out by saying that they found nothing wrong with me. Yep... been bleeding for a month straight and nothing is wrong. I'm not even anemic. I was a little bit upset by the way I was treated at the hospital and I'm wondering if other women have felt this way also.

On Sunday morning I passed a big blood clot. Sorry for the details-but its important to the story. It was not only gross, but very scary! After the fact I nearly passed out. I called Deanna in tears and she gave me some great advice. But after we got off the phone I didn't feel so well. I called my boyfriend and I guess my voice scared him. He then called my dear friend Sophie who came running over. Within minutes she had called my doctor's office and the on-call dr. called me back. She told me that I was probably ok, but if I felt weak/or passed out I should go to the hospital. I took a shower and John and Sophie decided I needed urgent care. After my shower I was feeling a little better-but still felt very weak. I went to the hospital and checked in. They heard my details and put me in the ER to lie in a horrible bed and wait. I kept insisting that I was fine and should just leave-John would not have it. My blood was taken and I was left alone. When I told the doctor's my complaint-they seemed to not care. The fact that I'd been bleeding for a month straight meant nothing to them. I felt so stupid for even being there. They then sent me back for a pelvic exam/ultra sound. Richard Simmons came out-seriously I wanted to take a picture of the guy cause he looked just like Richard Simmons-and he says, "So Miss, how far along are you"? At this point I almost fell off the bed. I'M NOT PREGNANT! I nearly shouted this as I looked over at John the look of horror arose. haha But seriously-not pregnant. He said-oh I'm sorry. Wrong chart. Yeah-sure. (These people need to watch what they say-John nearly had a heart attack).

Then after a horribly invasive procedure I was sent back to the ER where I was told that I was fine and there was nothing they could do for me. Now mind you-I have been BLEEDING for over a month. My boyfriend had a hemroid a few months ago and had some blood that freaked him out so he went to the ER. Well he may as well have had a heartattack the way they were going on and on about his "situation". My goodness people-a hemroid is not that big of a deal. A woman bleeding every damn day for a month-is probably a little more f***ing serious. My boyfriend was kept over night they had iv's coming out of his arm and all sorts of bs. Now I'm not saying that I wanted any of the procedures done to me that my boyfriend got... but seriously-I was treated like an idiot for going in, and he was treated like a poor injured boy. GAG ME!

What is it about hospitals taking "men's pain" and making it in to this huge emergency and treating women like we should just suck it up and get over it. I'm so mad.

Blood... not true blood-real blood

2010-06-25T08:32:00.002-04:00

So I went to the Dr. yesterday and she took some more blood from me. At this point I think I'm at least anemic. Which really sucks. My poor body nearly passed out yesterday. I'm really hoping its all just stress-but the Dr. did elaborate on the yahoo answer. She said it could be stress, thyroid, fibroids, cysts, pregnancy (very unlikely), oh and cancer. The good news is I'm 30... so most of the time it isn't something crazy serious at 30. The bad news is I'm still bleeding. :( I'm getting an ultra sound on Saturday-sounds fun. I'm more than a little freaked out. I'm so drained physically and emotionally. I think I'm going to eat a big steak tonight!

I might die trying

2010-06-24T11:52:00.003-04:00

I'm bleeding... yep. For about a month now I've been bleeding. I'm finally going to the doctor today and boy am I a little scared. It could certainly be stress... but when I googled it the yahoo answer I found said, "You are going to die. Sorry but its true." Really? Damn! I'm too young to die. In other news I ran a 5K! I trained and practiced and nearly ruined my feet running on shoes with a worn tread-but I did it. Hopefully I can get this bleeding to stop so I can run some more in my new trainers. Running is actually pretty fun!

Choices

2010-03-25T06:24:00.002-04:00

Everyday we are faced with choices. Some choices have very small consequences, while others have much larger ones. It dawned on me this morning as I returned from my 5:30AM walk that I had just made a good choice to start out my day. And now here I am faced with another choice. Do I go back to bed and get just a little more sleep... or do I get going on my day and get to work early. Each choice will have a consequence-if I go back to bed, I'll get the much needed sleep, but I'll probably then make another bad choice and hit snooze until its absolutely drop dead time to get up. This choice while it is so appealing in many ways... won't really give me a great start to my day. Or I can make the choice to get moving... get to work early, miss traffic.

It seems like every minute of my morning can be broken up in to 30 mins. of time in which I make a choice to do this or that for 30 mins. and then at the end of that time I am forced to make yet another choice. The later it gets in my day and the more work that is piled on top of me... the less control I have to make those choices. It seems while at work... I am making so many choices every minute that before I know it my day is over. I really think that for me... getting up early-working out and having a healthy start to my day has enabled me to make better choices. I seem to have more time with my thoughts and my reflections, and have even found time to read some scripture on most days and its changing me.

I think I will stay up and get going on my day. Its a big day... lots of work to do, and my sister and Abbey will get in this evening. I have to say that last night I was absolutely miserable, sad, depressed, overwhelmed... but the love of my life came over after he got off of a late night at work... and helped me get organized. He is amazing. The answer to so many prayers. I choose him... and thank God that he chooses me.

It's Spring time for Hitler

2010-03-24T22:28:00.002-04:00

I've been away for a while. So many things have happened since I last blogged I don't even know where to begin. I have never in my life seen such darkness and such light. So many sad things have happened, while on the other hand so many beautiful things have come to pass.

The most beautiful things have come in small packages this year. One of my amazing best friends and her wonderful husband were finally able to welcome their beautiful daughter Emma Elaine in to their home. They have waited for her so long and now that she is finally here we can all see that she was worth the wait. My heart is so full of love and gratitude that God blessed them to become parents. This is definitely one of the most special and beautiful things that has happened this year. I am so sad that I haven't been able to meet this beautiful new addition, but hope to do so very soon!

The saddest thing that happened was the loss of a sweet little boy, while although he is not little in age (22), he was too young to die. I started babysitting Scott "Superman" Baker when he was about 4 years old. I watched him and his brother Rhett every Saturday morning for several years. I loved this little boy and had a very close bond with his Mother, Debbie. Scott was such a good kid, but had some very hard struggles in life. I am still so very sad at the loss... and even more sad that I wasn't able to attend the funeral. Its times like that it is really hard to be so far from home. The sadness in my heart will take a long time to leave and to heal.

Life is so precious. It seems like we never know when it will end, yet we speak unkind words to those we love. We flip off complete strangers who cut us off, when for all we know they are racing to the hospital to say good bye to a loved one. I've spent so many days driving home from work with tears dripping down my face not having a clue how to make them stop. Its made realize one thing- you never know what someone else is dealing with. Life is fucking hard. Sometimes it is so fun, but other times it is just so shitty. Take time to be a little kinder than necessary. Tip a little more, say thank you and say hi to someone that looks sad.

So many people are fighting on Facebook and Twitter about the new healthcare that passed. I want to just tell them to shut up. Its so hard for me to wrap my head around even caring about some of the things happening in the world around me because I feel so helpless. For the record, I'm happy about every American having a chance at healthcare. I hope my friends without insurance can get what they need. I'd rather pay for an American to go to a Doctor than for someone in a foreign country to go. I'm just tired of people fighting. But I guess it will never end, so I better get used to it.

I'm really feeling so sad and lonely tonight. I wish I knew why. Tomorrow my lovely Abbey is finally coming to live with me again. Angie is bringing her to me. I'm so excited to see my sister and Abbey, but I have this anxious pit in my stomach. What if after all this time, she doesn't love me anymore? Then what will I do?

I used to think that I wouldn't feel sad or lonely once I fell in love with the right guy. But here I am in love with the most amazing guy, and I'm still sad and lonely sometimes. I hate this feeling and I wish I could make it go away. But for now I'll just have to let it lie.

The one sure way to make your day AWESOME!

2009-10-09T19:38:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of websites and blogs that I read on a daily basis. But there is one that makes me laugh harder than any other. I'd like to share this site with you. I promise that it will make you laugh out loud. I first have to say that if you've never been to Walmart... you may not get this website immediately-but if you give it a few minutes you will understand the entire essence of Walmart.

To make your day... please go to....www.peopleofwalmart.com

Here is a sneak peak....

Putting It All Out There

Never Forget

2009-09-11T21:01:00.003-04:00

It is here again. The day that changed the life of so many people. This is the day that I will always remember. Years from now I will look back on this day with sadness and reverence as I recount the story to my children and grandchildren. I am proud to be an American. I am proud of this country. Because of September 11th I think I hold my loved ones just a little tighter, I forgive a little easier, and I try and love a little more, and anger less. God bless those who lost loved ones on that day, and bless those who are continuing to fight to make a better place for us all.

Booty Call

2009-07-29T22:38:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to do a shout out to the girls who got back! I know all my sisters can holla at this one! :) I know its really immature, but seriously.... I couldn't help but take a quick shot to share it all with you. Baby got back!

Clouds in my coffee

2009-07-18T15:46:00.003-04:00

What a beautiful day it is! Last Sunday my car kind of exploded.... so all week I've been riding my bike to the train. Its been a nice start to my morning, but the helmet hair is insufferable. I don't like wearing a damn helmet. It is however the law that everyone wear one. I completely agree with this law for children. Their young minds are still developing and trauma to the head can cause permanent damage. But I am an adult... I have a hard head... and I don't like to mess up my hair. My only fear is that one day a car will hit me if I don't wear it and then I'll end up like Stephen Hawking. Does anyone have any ideas about how to not get helmet head in the morning?

Work is going well-but getting completely crazy! I'm interviewing about 5 people per day and I have about 100 more people to hire for Guest Services. I really love my job, but I'm starting to get nervous. Its a seasonal position and after the Open I'm going to have to find a new job. Traditionally they say September is a good month to find a job, but I'm still incredibly nervous about it. We will see what happens. Worse case scenario I may relocate with my Aunt and Uncle in Maryland for a couple of months and then return to prepare for the next Open.

My living situation currently kind of sucks. I have my own space, but I'm supposed to share the kitchen with my roommate and her son. She however doesn't really want me using her kitchen, so I'm confined to my room. I have a microwave, toaster and a small fridge-but no hot plate or stove top. This makes it incredibly difficult to prepare a meal. I only have the use of my bathroom sink, and so I can't really prepare much either. For now I'm dealing with this in hopes of securing a decent job after the Open and moving a little closer to NYC.

So how about Mr. Goslin. I have to admit, I've only once watched John and Kate plus Eight... but after seeing the story of their rocky marriage EVERYWHERE, I couldn't help but get a little caught up in the drama. I'm completely disguisted by his behavior. I don't understand why it is that when couples split up, the Mom ends up having to step it up for the kids, and the Dad is free to frolic with a new younger model. It doesn't seem fair to me. It isn't just celebraties either. I've dated single dads in the past and it seems like they became more of an Uncle to their kids, only seeing them once in a while and rarely spending any holidays with them. I realize that people need love, but come on! If a man is a willing participant in creating the children, why is it so easy for them to walk away? I just don't understand the psychology of it.

Tomorrow John and I are going to the Natural History Museum in NYC and I'm so excited! On Friday on the subway I was reading the posters and one of them was advertising the Natural History Museum, when I saw it I couldn't help but want to go. I didn't mention anything to John, but when he picked me up at the train station he asked me if I wanted to go to the NHM on Sunday. I was so excited I almost screamed. haha It is awesome how is starting to read my mind... and next weekend we are going to Hershey, PA to see Jason Mraz and Dave Matthews perform! I am soooooooooooo excited! I've been looking forward to this concert for months, but because of my car exploding and others unexpected life costs, I didn't think we'd be going. But John bought the tickets and booked the hotel... so DMB here I come!

Confessions of a fat girl

2009-06-27T11:30:00.003-04:00

As I sit here at Weight Watchers having weighed in heavier than last week I am feeling so defeated. I need help. I have a disease. My disease is "Fat". Being fat controls my life. It hides who i am. It protects me and it shames me. I wasn't always fat. I started life as a normal little girl. I learned to use food as comfort. Food was love and acceptance. Food took away my fear and food was there to comfort me whenever I needed it.

And now that food is killing me I realize that I've got to overcome this. Being fat is so unlike any other disease. For a smoker that quits they don't need three cigarettes a day to keep living. Alcoholics can promise to never touch alcohol again but food- food can not be forsaken. When you are so fat and and depressed the last thing you want to do is work out. You feel grossed out by what you've become and defeated by the amount of weight you've got to lose. You're ashamed. You don't want anyone to see. So you join Weight Watchers. You try Internet diets. But you are still fat you feel even worse. Because now you can add another thing to the list of the things you've failed at. I think of being thin. I think of jumping off a bridge. But no where in my mind do i want to gain more weight. It is a lonely disease. A lonely life. You can't shop in normal stories so shopping is no longer fun. You can't fit comfortably in the seats on a plane so even travel stops being fun.

I'm depressed and can't imagine it getting any better.I wish I could be on the Biggest Loser. Maybe if I had some help I could learn to change my life. But I need serious help. I am so convinced that being fat is a disease. It is a psychological, physical and mental disease.

Memo to my Fellow Commuters

2009-06-08T21:30:00.003-04:00

To My Fellow Commuters:

Hi. I'll make this quick since we are all in a hurry, well some of us are in a hurry. I commute four hours a day. Yes that is two hours in the morning, two hours in the evening. During this time I have witnessed many things that I would like to call to the attention of those I am sharing the trains, subways and boardwalks with.

Personal hygiene is very important. However, I don't want to smell you in the morning. I don't care how good you think that cheap calogne smells... it makes me sick.

Escalators: my Father taught me many years ago that when riding on an escalator if you would like to stand on the moving staircase stand to the right, if you would like to walk up the escalator you should walk up on the left. I have practiced this theory most of my life. I understand there are many foreigners in NYC and some of them drive on the opposite side of the road... but seriously people-if you are not in a hurry stand to the right. Standing on the left in someone's way is completely annoying. In my long commute every minute counts. If someone is in my way and holds me back even a minute, it is possible that I will miss my train and get home even later.

Be courteous of those in the seats in front of you, putting your feet up on the back of the seat or pushing against it disturbs the person in front of you. It disturbs them in the middle of their back. Not very nice.

I think that is all for now. Thank you for reading.

The end.

P.S. I've been asked to report on the books I'm reading. Currently I am reading The Brother's Karamazov. It is a great book, but it is long. I'll tell more about it later. I did however discover something really cool lately. I am one of those people that reads 1-2 books every week. I have the time frankly so that is why I do it. I have never been good at getting books from the library because by the time I get the book turned back in I usually owe more than the book would have cost to buy. So based on that I've been buying all of the books I've been reading. Well in the hopes of saving some money I've been trying to figure out how to cut back on my book budget. Well I just discovered the greatest website www.swaptree.com! It is so cool. Basically you upload any book, cd, movie that you are willing to trade. Then you can trade your books, cd's and movies with other people and they will send you something that you want to read or listen too. It is free to trade through the site, you only pay to ship your book to other members. John just sent off my first two books this morning so I'll let you know when I get the two books I traded for. I'm really excited about this site though.

I also have to put a plug in for True Blood. The new season starts Sunday on HBO and it is one of the best series on right now. My recommendation should tell you something... I usually hate vampire movies/stories. But this series is awesome! It is based on a series by Charlaine Harris called the Sookie Stackhouse Series. Not only do I recommend True Blood, I highly recommend reading this series. I never read or watched Twilight, but I think anyone that was in to that would like True Blood. The thing you should know about True Blood is that it does get kind of sexy and may not be appropriate for a younger reader, but all of the adults will love it!

Get away from me you Christian Street Preacher! AHHH!

2009-05-23T20:30:00.003-04:00

Ok... so it is very ironic to me that I should spend most of my life growing up in SLC, which is known as a very "religious" place and yet I can count on maybe 2 fingers the times that I've been preached at from a street corner. If my memory serves me correctly both of those times were during the 2002 Winter Olympics. One of those times was actually pretty funny. I remember that during the Olympics there were all these "Christians" who came to SLC to warn the world about the dangers of the Mormon church. Why they felt it necessary to do this... is beyond me. Growing up I considered myself a "Christian". My parents taught me that a "Christian" was anyone who believed in Christ and lived the way he taught. Anyway... back to the story.

So on a cold winter's day in the middle of downtown SLC I was yelled at by some "Christian". I stopped this time particularly annoyed. I decided to have a conversation with this guy. I politely asked him what he was doing. He started going on a diatribe of the horrors of the Mormon church. After listening to him for a minute... I stated that I thought he would be a lot more effective if instead of bashing the Mormons, he instead told people the great things his "church" had to to offer. I could see that I'd caught him off guard because he didn't really know what to say. After a long pause... he was back at bashing the Mormon church again. I decided I wasn't going to win his fight so I said... well it is very interesting what you have to say, let me take some of your papers to my friends and family. The man handed me a stack of about 10 papers. I walked down the street a ways and threw them in the garbage. That move made me laugh a little. I have never understood people who only know how to bash... and don't take the time or effort to inform others of their belief, but instead bash those with a strong belief in something.

I find it ironic that now in NYC I am met with annoying, loud-mouth Christians on a daily basis. My boss is one of those "Christians" and has taken it upon himself to "save me". It has gotten to an almost unbearable thing. I don't feel the need to be saved, nor do I think it has anything to do with him. I would complain to HR... but my boss is HR! The other ironic part of it is that my co-worker is a Catholic. My boss bashes Mormons and Catholics... and my co-worker is so eager to please that I get stuck defending the Mormon and Catholic chruches! I get so annoyed with being preached at that I want to push all street preachers down! I know that is extreme but seriously! I once was forced to listen some guy ranting and raving about Jesus on the subway because he decided that was a good place to recite everything he knew about Jesus loud enough for the whole train to hear.

I just can't take it anymore. I love Jesus... I love God. But hey.... I don't really think its appropriate or necessary for me to stand on the corner in everyone's way screaming that they are going to hell if they don't believe in Jesus. Honestly I think the people that are standing on those corners may have a better place in hell than I do because hey... they are holding those damn annoying signs and shouting-I'm 100% positive that hell will be full of that.

Tales from the Commute

2009-05-22T21:08:00.003-04:00

Well...well...well. I have had the pleasure of my commute to Queens for about a month now. It is one of the longest parts of my day. All in all I spend about 4 hrs and 40 minutes a day on public transportation. I feel as if I'm somehow becoming an expert at this commuting business. So I decided that I'm going to try and write more about my experiences because believe me... I see some very entertaining things!

To start with I'll share with you my morning commute. I'm going to leave some details out because I don't really want a scary person to read this and know my every move.

I start my day out at 5:30 a.m. For my readers in Utah... that is 3:30! Yep... about the time you're getting home from your wild night at the club... I'm waking up. This is probably the hardest part for me because I really have a hard time getting to bed before midnight. You do the math. Now depending on my ability to get my butt out of bed depends on my transportation to the train station. A couple months ago my fabulous boyfriend bought me an adorable little bike. I love my bike so much! It is a beautiful red and white vintage style Schwinn cruiser. On mornings where I'm ready to leave the house early I am able to ride my bike to the train station. But lets be honest... now that the excitement of my job has worn off a little... I'm staying longer and longer in bed and am barely pulling in to the station before the train takes off!

I have the first part of my commute down pact. I know exactly where I need to stand in order to be right at the entrance to the train. This fact always makes me smile. I can't help but watch the other commuters with a little social curiosity. Most of them run to the front of the train in hopes of getting a seat. I wait near the back and walk on easily. Its funny how years of "running to the front cause no one is there" has trained everyone to go to the front and to leave the rest of the train almost empty. I don't plan on telling them this any time soon.

Once arriving at Secaucus (yes it is pronounced SEA-COCK-US) I'll wait for the laugh... ok anyway... this is where it starts to get really funny for me. At the Secaucus station (still laughing?) there tends to be this huge blob of people all fighting their way to get on this escalator. However, I made a discovery within the first week that if I stray from the crowd... I have my own private escalator just around a corner from the blob. In fact.. the blob watches me go down the escalator but because they are very silly... they don't realize that they can save themselves from the blob by joining me on my private escalator. This makes me laugh every day. I have this funny feeling like I've outsmarted all of the blob. It is a great start to my day.

It never ceases to amaze me how rude people will be on public transportation. People spread out and occupy three seats just because they don't want anyone to sit by them. As you can imagine the train going in to NYC is quite full... so I am forced to push my way on to the train and almost demand that someone move their bag off of a seat so that I may sit. This train is quick in to Penn Station.

From Penn I begin my subway fun. The subway is an incredible source of entertainment. I have seen things such as 8' tall Asians... cross dressing men, a woman with a huge doll in a stroller and a half naked homeless man with his bum sticking out. Luckily I'm able to drowned out the ranting "Christians" and the lunatics with the sweet music of my ipod, but I can't cover the smell or do anything about the insanity in front of me. I take my ride all the way out to Queens.

The ride to Queens is very ethnic. I'm usually the only white woman on the train and I am able to get a glimpse at what it would be like to visit China, India and Mexico. Hopefully on my way to Queens I don't contract the Swine flu... but if I do you'll understand why.

All in all I don't mind my commute. I've been able to read about 2 books a week and really get to listen to my ipod. I'm definitely amused with the commute thus far and I plan on making more posts about it as well as bringing in some pictures to the mix.

The worst part of it all is the pushing and shoving and the damn people that stand on the left side of the escalator instead of walk. I actually had my first push just the other day and I quickly found the New Yorker inside of me and told the guy off. I have to admit I was a little surprised at myself... but the guy was an ass and deserved to be told off.

Until next time happy commuting. What are your commuting nightmares?

There is no place like home!

2009-05-06T19:51:00.002-04:00

I flew in to Salt Lake on Thursday night to surprise my family. I couldn't wait to see the baby... and it was the only weekend I would possibly be able to fly out there until after the US Open. I told my sister, Angie that I was going to be flying in because she was my ride. Angie and Abbey picked me up and we subsequently surprised Heather and her husband, Jason and then my parents. I got the best reaction out of my parents, because well I think they love me the most. I love surprises and had so much fun sneaking in on them.

My best surprise was my beautiful niece Audrey Faye! I love her so much. I can't believe the way it feels to be an Aunt. It is probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I couldn't really take my eyes off of her and spent most of my time holding her. I was able to see Heidi and Hiba very briefly-but I was so happy that we were able to meet up before they went to Denver. I was able to sneak in a haircut with my favorite stylist-Christeena. I seriously love the way she cuts my hair and I really miss her. Jason and I had some good laughs and then I popped in on Lexi's bridal shower and then Allison, Tina, Scott and I had dinner on Saturday night, but mostly it was family time.

I know it is hard for some people to understand. But when you live away from home and then you go home for a visit it can be VERY stressful. In my short time period of being home there were SO many people that I wanted to see... and even more people that I didn't get a chance to see. :( It is so hard to spread yourself around-especially when you are exhausted. I am so sad that I didn't get to see Julia and Shannon and Chris, and Deanna and Christian and Nicole and Jason! I also have so many cousins that I didn't get to see. I'm sorry! Already since I've lived in NJ I've been home more than I ever went home when I lived out here the first time.

I get homesick. I get really sad sometimes. While I've made some good friends out here, they don't know me as well as the friends I've had for years. They don't get my jokes, they don't like jokes about trees and they don't laugh when I cheat at pool.

In other news... I am loving my job! It is so much fun and not an hour of my day goes by in which I feel the need to distract myself with Internet surfing-which says A LOT! I've already made some new friends at the company and my team is great! being in HR I've also learned the ins and outs of writing resumes that will get noticed. The best advice I can give you-Write a cover letter! I know you've heard that a million times, but it is really the best way to brag about your skills and convince the person that is hiring to call you. Don't be boring in your cover letter. Be professional but be yourself. I think it is really hard to write a good cover letter. If anyone wants me to look at their resume or cover letter I'd be happy to do so. I don't claim to be an expert, but I'm in the "hiring" side of things and may be able to offer some pointers. Just let me know.

I think that is about it. It is really starting to be so beautiful here. I love the leaves turning green and all the flowers coming out. It is so nice to ride my bike on the way to the train in the morning and watch spring come alive.

Oh one more thing! I've absolutely gone crazy in the beading side of life. I have been making necklaces and bracelets and earrings, and I am having so much fun! So far I've only given them as gifts, but John is really trying to convince me to sell some. I hope to do that at one point, but for now I love them too much to part with them. :)

2009-04-21T21:38:00.002-04:00

2009-04-21T09:05:00.000-04:00

A STAR is born!

2009-04-21T08:47:00.002-04:00

This morning at around 5:10 am in Salt Lake City, UT my niece, Audrey Faye was born! I am so excited. I can't believe how good it feels to be an Auntee. I haven't even seen a picture yet but I already feel so much love for this little girl. This is the first grand baby for our family and we are all so excited. Thanks to Lisa and Ben for giving me my very favorite title, Aunt Jessica! I don't think I have ever been called anything better.

I'm so glad I have the day off to be able to do a little shopping for this little one. I better get busy... she needs her Mets gear! :) I will put up a picture as soon as I get one. Its a miracle that she and mom are doing well. She is about 3 weeks early... I guess she just couldn't wait to be here!

Wow I am so overwhelmed and so in love! :) Yay for babies. The best part... I don't have to get up in the middle of the night and change her diaper. But I probably wouldn't mind. Geesh, I'm really turning in to one of those crazy Aunts.

So much to say

2009-03-25T18:08:00.005-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while.. which is pretty ironic seeing as how I've had loads of free time. I don't really have any excuse accept that I haven't felt much like myself... and didn't really want everyone to know that. The past several days have been full of sunshine which has been the best medicine I could have possibly hoped for. I'm feeling better about life and even optimistic. So its been about a month since I started interviewing with the U.S. Tennis Association. They have definitely taken their time in choosing someone for the recruiting position. Finally I got a phone call last week telling me that I was in the running and even at the top of their list. But yet I again I was told to wait. Yesterday I got an email asking for my earliest availability. I finally think I may have a job. They will be making their final decision on Friday... so I'll know then. If I don't get this job I may go postal. I like working and I really need money.

I need money cause I found this pretty new bike that I want. It is vintage looking red and white, and you know I'll be getting a basket and a dog carrier for when Abbey comes back to me! I am so excited about getting a cute little bike.

Now I have something a bit more serious to discuss. I do have to warn that the things I'm about to say may offend some people. In fact they may indeed offend some of my readers. My intent here is not to offend... but I am warning you that you may be offended if you keep reading. There that bit of housekeeping is taken care of... here we go!

Immigration. This is an issue near and dear to my heart. My family immigrated to the United States over 100 years ago. They came here from Sweden, Ireland, England and other Scandinavian countries. Some of them came legally... others came illegally. However, once they arrived in the U.S.A. they learned the native language (if they didn't already speak it) and they got jobs and did their best to assimilate in to the American "culture". My boyfriend, John's family came from Italy. They came not too long ago and were met with great hardships. They were treated cruelly by some because of their Italian heritage and had difficulty finding work. They however worked hard, learned English and started their own businesses and became part of the American culture. In fact... they assimilated so well that my boyfriend, who is 1st generation doesn't even speak Italian! (which I think is a shame)

So here it is.. 2009. My family only speaks English, John's family only speaks English, because well after all English is the language spoken in the USA and that is where I live. So can someone tell me why it is that when I want to apply to a job (almost any job) it is necessary that I am bi-lingual in Spanish? I am in no way saying that the illegal immigrants are taking jobs away from me. They are not. I would not work in the positions they fill. I am however growing increasingly annoyed that I am forced to learn a language of someone who for the most part makes no effort to learn the language of my country.

I get it. I have studied abroad. When you arrive in a place where you don't speak the language it can be scary. It can be downright terrifying. But... with minimal effort you can begin to learn the language. Yet... when that country caters to you and translates everything in to your native language. Hires only those who can speak to you in your native language and even devotes entire television stations to your native language... where is the incentive? There is none. It has become unnecessary to learn English to live in America. Its not just spanish either. There are complete villages by me in which signs are posted in Chinese and English.

For those of you that know me this may all come as a surprise. I love diversity. I celebrate differences. I love different cultures and I love learning from those with different back grounds. But in my job search, I have become increasingly annoyed by the special treatment given to those who refuse to even attempt to learn English. I know right now off the top of my head many people who have come to America from ALL parts of the world. Some of these people have come here without knowing any English, others came here knowing a little. It amazes me how some of them have struggled and taken classes and practiced and learned English... while others who ignorantly hold themselves back by choosing to not learn English. I am willing to take in to account that languages don't come easy to everyone. But I refuse to believe that you could want to live or feel comfortable living in a country for over ten years without learning to express yourself in their language!

I would like to note that I believe it is important to speak more than one language. For years now children all over Europe have learned English and French as second languages. I think those who are bi-lingual have an advantage in life. I'm just saying that I'm tired of people coming to this country and not even trying to be part of it. Hell we need them. We need their different life histories. We need their experience and knowledge. They are the part of the melting pot that is so beautiful. So buck up and learn English. Seriously!

Big Temple Wedding

2009-03-10T19:41:00.006-04:00

I was surprised to see this secret on Post Secret this week.

My Mormon Mother was too busy crying

Because I wasn't getting married in the temple

to help me get ready on my wedding day.

I wish I could upload the picture of this secret but I am momentarily handicap. If you would like to see it please go to www.postsecret.com

Not surprised by the secret at all... but surprised at how it seems to fit me right now. I'm packing my bags now to go to Salt Lake for the wedding of my little sister. She is great. I love her. But I'm so bummed that I won't be able to see her wedding. Don't get me wrong... I couldn't be more proud of her. This is what she wants. I completely support her decision to get married in the temple. I'm just heart broken that I won't be able to see the wedding.

Today it was brought to my attention that my parents are concerned at the things I may say while waiting outside of the temple for my sister and her new husband to turn up. The things I could say:

"Wow. Family huh? Nice families are together... when I'm outside at my own sister's wedding".
"This sucks. I flew 2,000 miles to see my sister's wedding... and I'm left standing outside".
"Stupid wedding anyway".
"Those jerks never accepted me anyway".
"Saddest day of my life is my sister's happiest".
"I wonder what they are doing in there... I hope they all come out alive".
"Anyone want a breathmint"?
"Did you see the last Big Love episode"?
"I wonder how many wives Heather's husband will marry". (By the way... Mormons don't really take on plural wives anymore... but there are real live polygamist in Utah.)

The list could go on. But instead what I'll probably say:
"Wow. I can't believe that my baby sister is getting married. I really wish I could see the wedding. But I know she will be happy and I'm proud of her for how far she has come".

I am a little insulted that my parents would even think that I would handle the difficult situation with anything less than pure class. This battle between me and "The Church" has been going on for a long time... and I'm sure it will continue for many years from now. So I guess this will be one of the first big tests. My whole life I have felt that my parents loved their religion more than they love me. They never asked me how my life was going or what I was interested in. The always asked me if I was attending church or if I was praying or reading my scriptures. This hurt. Hurt me so much that I am still dealing with my issues from it. I knew my place in their lives: Church, then Jessica. I truly hope that one day when I have children I will be more kind to them.

After discussing my feelings with my Father, he gave me the predicted response, "Well Jessica, you know how it works. You could have been there if you wanted too."

All I can say is, "WOW". Wish me luck. I'm seriously going to need it dodging the, "Why aren't you married yet, you old maid" and "How do you like your ward on the east coast" type of questions. All of this without an ounce of alcohol! I deserve a medal.

Officially Crazy

2009-03-07T12:38:00.002-05:00

Thats it. I am officially crazy. There is no other explanation. I am not pregnant or going through menopause. But I sure am crying for no reason. Not sleeping and at the wrong look from anyone I am bound to burst in to tears.

I'm so tired. I just want to go to Italy and live on a vineyard. So maybe that is where I will be.

You racist b*tch!

2009-02-27T23:34:00.002-05:00

Hi... so I had one of the weirdest things happen to me today. I work in a very interesting place. In my office there are people from all walks of life. One of my favorite people in my office is Sharlene. She is rad. She and I could not be more opposite. She lives in Paterson, which, if you know NJ is not necessarily the best place to be on any day. Especially if you are white like me. But Sharlene and I have so much fun together.

Most days Sharlene and I have lunch together. Today was one of those days. We were eating in the kitchen of our office when in walked this "classy, upper class" white woman. She has always been very nice and complimentary to me, but today I saw a very ugly side of her. As Sharlene and I were sitting there the other woman was making small talk. Then all of a sudden she turned to me and said, "You're so smart. Why are you hanging out with that one"? I was not only embarrassed for this woman, but mad as hell. I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Oh I know she is, but Sharlene hangs out with me so that I'll feel cool". You'd think by that, the woman would have gotten the clue and shut up. But no... she looked straight at me and pointed at me, "Oh no... I'm talking to you, you are too smart for her". I basically stopped looking at this woman and just sat there in wonderment. Sharlene and I were dumbfounded.

So what... Shar and I grew up on opposite sides of the track. We had different struggle in our lives, and we've had different experiences. But somehow we relate to each other so well. She is such an awesome woman and has come so far. I'm so proud of her. For me to hear that woman belittle her hurt me so much. It was not fair, completely inappropriate and so racist.

I guess that ever day we still must continue to learn and grow. I'm so thankful to my parents for moving to Denver when I was young. I was the only white girl in my class in first grade. Because of that I learned that we were all the same. My time there showed me that it truly did not matter if I was white or black. They say that racism is taught and I truly believe that. I hope that I'm able to teach my children to love and accept everyone for who they are, and not based upon the color of their skin.

In breaking news... John and I are no longer fighting. I am head over heals. Great match for me! :) J+J FOREVER! ha

I just want to know today

2009-02-26T21:41:00.000-05:00

...that maybe I will be ok. So this week I have not slept much. I've been super tired during the day and then I feel so alive at night. Its been weird to say the least. Its almost like I'm on London time or something. I can't explain it but it isn't very fun. Last night I drove to Edgewater. Its this little town in New Jersey just before the GWB (George Washington Bridge) and next to Ft. Lee. From Edgewater you can see all of Manhattan just across the Hudson.

While I was there at my place I felt so at peace. I'm able to think clearly from my spot. Life doesn't seem so hard and I am reminded why I came back here. I love NYC. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to live so close. Sure, I would love to live in the city and maybe in due time I can, but for now I'm just happy to be close to it. I'm still waiting to hear about the job. They emailed me the other day and said that they really like me and will be making their final decision on March 6th. So I'll have news hopefully by the end of next week. If I don't get the job I'll feel so dumb, but I'll let you all know.

For now I think we should just kiss and say goodbye... cause I'm tired!

I need the values and talents of every American!

2009-02-25T19:52:00.000-05:00

Last night as I listened to President Obama, I took a moment and smiled. It hit me last night more than it has at any other moment of his presidency... we elected him. For years I followed this man and read his speeches and watched Youtube videos of rallies. He always knows how to take my breath away. President Barack Obama. Just the sound of that brings a smile to my face.

A little over a year ago I was at a loss. I didn't have much hope for my future or that of my country. Last night as I watched the Congress stand up and down, I was hit with a burst of hope. Pres. Obama has that amazing talent to give hope in every speech. He was speaking to Congress... but every American felt like he was addressing them personally. I wanted to stand up and applaud him myself. He is truly a great man, and a great leader. We can get through this as a country, as a family. We just have to rely on the things that make America so great.

So here I sit tonight alone in my room. I had a rough day... been having them lately. I haven't been sleeping. Too many things on my mind. I miss my Grandma, I miss my dog (leaving her with my sister-even temporarily is the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do), I miss my sister, I miss my girls. John and I are fighting. I don't even know what we're fighting about, but it isn't helping my current mood. I'm stressed. Stressed to the abso-fuckin-lutely absolute heights.

I left all that I had... left it and moved 2,000 miles away from everything I ever knew. I'm grateful that my home sold when it did-yet it somehow seems ironic that after being a home owner I'm living in the room of a home occupied by my friend and her parents. I need a job. I heard from the USTA yesterday, they will be making their decision by the end of next week... but until then I'm so stressed.

I have a simple wish. I want a job that will pay me enough to enable me to get my own place. I want a simple home. I want a place that I can bring my Abbey. I want to come home to her at the end of the day. It is tearing me apart to be away from her. I want a space for John and I to have simplicity. Things now in both our living situations make it difficult for us to spend much time alone.

And to top it off the Kardashians have a pet monkey. WTF?

Best Picture

2009-02-22T16:12:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I went with my friend Sara, to an all day Best Picture Showcase. It was one of the coolest things I've ever been able to do concerning the Oscars. It started at 10:30 in the morning and ended around 11:30 at night! We watched back to back all five Best Picture nominees.

The order in which we watched them:

Milk

The Reader

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Slumdog Millionaire

Frost/Nixon

I'd only seen The Reader and Slumdog Millionaire previously. I was so happy to be able to watch all five nominees like this because I felt like I was really able to lay them all down on the table and really decide who I thought deserved the nod for Best Picture.

By now the Oscars are over... and this post is obsolete... but I was going to pick Slumdog and Slumdog got it. haha I think I'll write about all of the movies tomorrow. I'm way too tired tonight.

RIP

2009-02-19T17:53:00.000-05:00

My great grandma passed away today. She was 90.... so she definitely had a full life. I'm just sad that I live too far away to attend the funeral. I'm going to be home next month for my sister's wedding... so I really can't swing another trip home this weekend.

I'm lost for words. Just wanted to say that I loved my Great Grandma. I have some really fond memories of her. When I was young she had a beauty shop off of her house. Every time I went to visit her she would do my hair. I loved it!!! My Mother wonders why I like pampering myself so much... but she is the one that took me to a beauty salon as a toddler. haha

Life is short... or is it long? Hard to tell.

I wish I had a picture to post here of her. She was great. I love you Grandma... and sorry for all the naughty things you're going to see me doing now that you are a ghost.

Update!

2009-02-18T20:18:00.000-05:00

Ok... so one more big interview on Friday at 2pm EST. Please cross your fingers!!! The interview is going to be me and the other person that they would like to hire with me and the two people we will be working with. I guess they want to make sure that we all like each other and can work together. The guy told me that they really like me and have a good feeling about me.

I'm finally coming out of my funk and so life is good again. Thank god! I was really getting tired of driving over bridges and thinking about jumping off.

We're off to see the Wizard!

2009-02-16T21:03:00.000-05:00

So for as much as I'd really like to make sooo many comments about the previous post... I'm going to go ahead and ignore it.

Today I had my second interview with USTA. It went so well! I was led in to an office by a nice lady and once inside I looked up to see Wizard of Oz paraphernalia. I took that as a good sign. She told me not to be nervous because this wasn't an interview. She merely wanted to make sure that I knew what I was getting in to. haha So... I don't want to get too excited because they want me to meet one more person that I will be working closely with and make sure that we gel... but I think I've got it!

Finally I feel like things in my life are starting to work out. This job will really put me on the track for my life that I have been waiting for. Sure... sure nothing in my plans have made any sense lately... but sometimes it sure is time for a change of plan. I'm not completely counting out grad school... it just seems like after all of the obstacles that I've faced it may not be time for me to go right now. Life is sure crazy and full of surprises. haha

WTF

2009-02-15T21:16:00.000-05:00

Facebook update:

Reggie Hobbs is now married.

WTFFFFFFFFFFFF

Hurray!!!

2009-02-12T21:21:00.001-05:00

So today was AWESOME! I woke up at 5:30 in such an excitement that I couldn't really get back to sleep. I decided to reread about the USTA (U.S. Tennis Association) and the U.S. Open. There are so many exciting things going on in tennis and I really hope I get a chance to be involved in the events this year.

I left work around 11:30 and took a nice drive out to Queens. It turned out to be a little bit of a pain in the ass because of the insanely crazy wind directly from Chicago. The police were limiting the amount of cars on the White Stone Bridge and that had traffic backed up! I finally got to the new Citi Field!!! I was so excited to see the Mets new home! I almost forgot about my interview... but I managed to pull down my excitement long enough to find the Tennis Center.

After getting lost only once in the huge Sports Complex... i made my way to my interview. It went so well. I hit it off with my interviewer right away. I talked about my experiences and he told me a little about the job and what I'd be doing. Two hours later... the interview ended. It was soooo awesome! I've never had an interview go so long. I go back in on Monday for a second interview so I will definitely keep you posted! What a good day!!! Only... seriously I'm going to have to take the train or I will be paying like $100 in tolls a week!

There's Hope....

2009-02-11T21:06:00.000-05:00

Ok... so you can probably tell if you read my blog or know me at all... life has not been the greatest lately. Well yesterday I got some semi-bad news from a job that I've been working at for the past 90 days. You see... I've been working as a "temp" in the hopes that after 90 days they would be able to hire me. Well the economy decided to bite everyone in the ass... so unfortunately the company is in the middle of a hiring freeze. At first I was kinda bummed. I even cried a little... but after I stopped crying... I realized it was the push I needed.

My great friend MaryAnne took me out to dinner and beer last night to drowned my sorrows. MaryAnne is so positive that I didn't really have time to feel bad for myself... instead she gave me a great pep talk. I took today off from the "temp" job to search for jobs. Well on Monday I had applied for this job with the U.S. Open. I'll get to that in a minute... so I spent my day getting organized and applying for several jobs. My attitude today just changed... the sun was out and it was warm and I made it to the gym. At 5 pm I got a call from the USTA (U.S. Tennis Association)! I have an interview with them tomorrow at 2. Cross your fingers... do a dance. I want this job. I am so qualified for this job. I need this job!

I heard this great India. Arie called, There's Hope. You should check it out if you are feeling blue or sad. Great beat and wonderful message. I'll keep you posted about the job... I hope this is it. This would really be a fantastic opportunity for me.

Losing Touch

2009-02-07T08:11:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged in so long. Truthfully I've been in a bit of a funk. Things in my life have just not gone my way the past couple of months. The things that have happened have left me questioning myself and questioning my entire life. The one thing that has gone right is that I have a great boyfriend. He is supportive and loving and kind. But as we all know... when one thing in your life is going well... other aspects can't. It is just a rule in the universe.

First: I moved out here to go to grad school. Nothing about me going to grad school has been easy. I have jumped through hoops. I've decided that I will not be going to Seton Hall. I'm too tired to deal with their bull shit. I'm now in the process of applying to be a matriculated student at William Paterson. They have a good program and I'll be able to get my Masters in International Relations. The problem I have now... do I really want to go to grad school?

A) I love learning. I love studying International Relations and I love knowing and understanding the world.

B) I miss sports. I miss the fun and all the hard work of putting on a game and an event. I miss working in something where I can be creative.

Second: I feel like relationships I've had all my life (or for a long time) are falling apart, or were never really that strong to begin with. This has been a realization that I've discovered from reading things on Facebook and on blogs. People who I thought were good friends have become people I once knew. Part of this is my fault, as I'm not the best at keeping in touch with people, and part of it is because I've burned so many bridges, mostly accidental. I'm so far from my family now... I think they have forgotten about me.

Third: My little sister is getting married. My 20 year old sister. Its not funny, its not cute, its damn depressing. I don't know if anyone can understand how or why I feel like this. I'm not proud to admit it, but I am embarrassed, hurt, confused and angry at the universe. I am so happy for her, but it seems like it shouldn't be happening. I watched most of my best friends get married and I was ok, I was even happy for them. But now that my little 20 year old sister is getting married and I have to fly 2,000 miles to stand outside of the wedding, I am less than thrilled. I know the barrage of questions I will have to answer, the whispers and the glances I will have to endure. I don't know why I was raised in a culture that is so judgmental and mean.

Fourth: My job sucks. I am so happy to have a job, so I can't complain too much. But I really think it sucks. I have a degree... and this is what I'm doing? It just doesn't make sense. I need a job that lets me use my creativity and my passion. Instead I'm paying Dr.'s for using and pushing the drug I represent.

Fifth: I'm sure some smarmy person out there is reading this and thinking that I just need an attitude adjustment. They are probably right, but its winter and I'm depressed and I'm trying to figure out all of the things that are bothering me.

Its going to be 40 degrees today. I think I should take the train in to the city and go to some of the places I love. That will remind me of why I'm here. I know that moving back to Utah is not the answer for me. There is nothing there for me. I just need to figure out what my next move should be. I sure as hell hope I figure it out soon. I'm not getting any younger.

When I grow up I want to be John's girlfriend....

2009-01-08T22:18:00.000-05:00

Tonight my heart is so full of love. Yes I know it sounds a little like a song from Les Mis... but it is what it is. After my terrible New Year's Eve post I was swept off my feat at a party thrown by one of John's best friends in Hoboken. John has the greatest friends. Not as great as mine of course... but they were so cool. All night we laughed and they included me in their conversations and games. I even got to hear some funny stories about John as a teenager.

John and I were able to spend a lot of time together during the break and it made me realize a lot of things. 1. I have been through a lot of shit with men in my life. My experiences have made me who I am today and I'm pretty proud of who I've become. 2. Almost every relationship I ever had was purely sex driven. I'm sorry to confess that on here in case it comes as a shock to anyone... but my past "boyfriends" have not been very nice. I'm finally with a man who respects and loves me... and its about time!

Furthermore, I'm scared. I'm about to embark on one of the scariest adventures of my life. I'm going to Grad school. Me? Grad school! It.Is.Very.Scary. and unbelievable. If someone would have told me two years ago that I'd be back in New Jersey getting ready to start grad school I would have laughed. I can hardly believe that the dream of becoming a diplomat is on its way to being realized. For this I have myself to thank... but also I have John to thank. I can truly say that without him none of this would have been made possible. I'm equally as happy to realize that with him by my side nothing is impossible.

For anyone reading this and throwing up in their mouths I have to say... I deserve this. I have been through the ringer. I've had liars and cheaters and abusers and just the worst possible men in my life. So I'm sorry for blah blah blahing about my wonderful boyfriend... but when I grow up I want to be John's girlfriend. :)

I had a really nice Christmas break. I was able to see my family and my best girls! :) It was all so overwhelming I don't know if I have the strength to blog about it... but it was nice.

Happy F*ckin New Year

2008-12-31T19:40:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here in my room on New Year's Eve getting ready to go out. My ipod has been on random... which maybe isn't the best idea since music has such a strong effect on my mood. I started thinking about all of the men who have hurt me in my life. I really must say I am so done with it. I'm done with hurting because someone else doesn't know how to love me or won't love me. I'm no longer going to beg to be loved. I'm going to love myself more than anyone every will... so I may as well work on that person.

This year its all about me. I don't care how that sounds. I have thought of others most of my life. I'm not going to say that I'm perfect or the kindest or best person... but I think over all I've been less selfish than some. This mood I'm in has me feeling like finishing off this bottle of champagne and blowing off my boyfriend. That really isn't New Years happiness celebration of me... but I'm just not in the mood for it now.

From the moment I started loving it has been one broken heart after another. I guess that is my fault for putting it out there so much but now I feel like my heart is so broken it will take so much tape and glue to fix it permanently. It is so broken that I don't think I'm good for anyone. I am ruined. Destroyed. Unable to love. I have a great boyfriend... we have issues like every relationship.... but he is overall great. I just feel so tired of having to explain everything... why don't men read minds? (I'm being sarcastic... kind of... but seriously. I'm tired! )

For the past couple of years I was starting to think that maybe I was ready to settle down and get married in the next five-ten years... but now I'm starting to rethink that. Men will always let me down. Men will always break my heart and no one knows how to love me. I'm tired of my issues with love. I'm tired of hurting because of another person. I never hurt myself. I'm tired.

So really... Happy F*ckin New Year... seriously... its ok to drink that whole bottle of champagne. I'll see you at the gym in the morning.

I'm in love

2008-11-18T21:57:00.001-05:00

Hello love!!! I went in to the city on Saturday. I went to my favorite area.... the upper west side. :) The best part of my day was when I fell in love. I met a little bakery called Magnolia. I had one of these cupcakes... and I fell madly and truly in love. First of all they are so fucking cute that you can't help but fall for them... and they are so so yummy. Finally I have fallen in love with a rich man... cause damn these things are richhhhh! The second best part of the day was the drunk homeless man sitting in Strawberry Fields with a sign that read, "Hey I'll be honest... I just want to buy a beer". I almost gave him a dollar for making me laugh... but then he told me and everyone else to get out of dodge. So I kept my dollar for the subway.

I had such a great weekend. Nothing major happened. I hung out at Pace University with John most Saturday night cause he had to run a volleyball tournament but Sunday we went to brunch and had a great time. Sunday afternoon I went and saw my friend Gus in The Tempest. It was a fun production in Nutley, NJ (Martha Stewart's hometown). It was a great evening with friends and loves.

Life is finally starting to feel normal again and fall in to place. I'm so happy to be back here.

I made an observation the other night while crying my eyes out to yet another episode of Grey's Anatomy. (Is it just me or is this season especially emotional?) It seems like these tv shows that we know and love are giving us the "happy ending" we all kinda need right now. I mean with the economy so shitty... people don't want to watch shows about lovers fighting or people not ending up with the one they love. So Meridith and Derek are happy now... and Pam and Jim are back together even though she failed her graphic design class in the city and even Betty is having some good luck.

In other news the company that I'm working at is firing EVERYBODY! Its so scary. I hate just sitting there at my desk working while other people are being escorted out of the building. Everyone tells me not to worry... but I was the last person hired and I don't really feel secure there yet. The good thing is that I have a standing offer to work at Starbucks and lord knows how much I love my coffee.

Thats it for now. I'm kind of an old lady and I want to go to bed.

I will survive!

2008-11-16T07:56:00.001-05:00

At first I was afraid...I was petrified. But then last night...I told Reggie off. It felt so good. That bastard. He totally broke my heart and continued to talk to me as if nothing had happened!!! I didn't say much... but I'm so done with that shit! I felt so much better. Now that chapter is closed. He is soooooo not worth it. It is very strange/upsetting to have this realization after falling so completely in love with him only months ago. But my heart is a strange strange bird. I have the resilience of a mt. lion. So bring on the men.... seriously. Bring on the next victim. I'm ready for new love! Good bye Reggie Hobbs. GOOD BYE forever.

When Jessica Met John

2008-11-08T18:02:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? If not... then you should watch it immediately. It is one of my all time favorite movies. I know you hate Meg Ryan (Shannon, Heidi, Doug.. and possibly others of you) but this movie is so sweet and classic. Its a true romance story for our modern day. Almost every time I watch it I realize that my story with John has been similar to the movie.

Although.... when we first met we liked each other, but I moved back to Utah. Well all those years that I spent in Utah John kept in touch with me. At first when I moved back he would just message me on yahoo occasionally. Then it progressed to several text messages a day. I let him take the lead on everything. I never called him and occasionally he would call me. That progressed to weekly calls... then daily. Then came all sorts of men in my life. BAD BAD BAD men! I dated some of the meanest meanies in the world. I'm really good at finding them. All through this John and I stayed in touch. He slowly became one of my best friends. We would spend several hours a night talking about all sorts of things.

Then the fates turned and John and I were able to meet up in San Diego for July 4, 2007. We had a wonderful time. I really enjoyed being with him. John has always pushed me to believe in myself and to not give up on my dreams. By August I was sure that I was in love with John. I was driving down the street one day and it hit me. I was in love with him. Well it didn't take long for the distance between John and I to create some real problems. By February 2008 John was dating someone else. Well that didn't last long. She broke his heart... it was good for him though, so I didn't feel too bad.

In May I met a wonderful man. I thought he was the love of my life. I'd never hit if off with someone so completely. Everything seemed so great. As most of my relationships it went to hell. Fast forward to October. I moved to New Jersey. Upon moving to Jersey I had a plane ticket to Charleston to visit Reggie. A few days of being here... I soon decided that I didn't want to go to Charleston. John encouraged me to go. He has been so supportive of all of my relationships (even though the whole time he was in love with me). I even cried about Reggie in John's arms.

Well here I am today. John and I have been seeing each other. He's a great guy. He doesn't have a lot of experience in relationships... so I have to be patient with him and teach him. Impressively he is quite open to change. I don't know for sure what will happen with this.... as I never know. But I did mention to John my usual 3 month track record with men... he insured me that he won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

I'm sitting here now watching When Harry Met Sally. It reminds me of me and John a lot. I kinda like him. I'll keep you posted.

Where everybody knows your name....

2008-11-06T13:29:00.000-05:00

I am still basking in the after light of Barack Obama's historical victory. This is a great time for our country and I am so completely happy. I have even more hope now than I had when he announced his candidacy. I feel like this country is ready to be a positive change in the world. I have been so saddened by the lack of foreign policy in the past eight years. I often credit George W. Bush in inspiring me to become a diplomat. (because of his lack of dipomacy)

I drove to Seton Hall yesterday where I will begin grad school in Sept 2009. I am so excited! As I drove on to campus I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was in the right place, doing the right thing. Life is not always easy... in fact I feel like I've had some very trying times in the past couple of years. But it finally seems like all of those things I've been working on have paid off. Things in my personal and professional life are really starting to feel right and good. I'll be sure and keep you posted.

In other news.... I am very scared that ABC is going to cancel one of my favorite shows, Pushing Daisies (pictured above). If you haven't seen it...please watch it! It is absolutely adorable. It is about a Pie maker who can bring people back from the dead (but only momentarily without killing something else) Also, Kristin Chenoweth is in it. So please please watch it!

A heart full of love!

2008-11-04T23:15:00.000-05:00

Thank you America. In the words of NAS...."America surprise us...let a black man guide us"! This is about us. This is about what we as Americans can do if we come together. I am so happy. I feel so much love. We have so much work to do now. It is time to roll up our sleeves and get going!

Help!

2008-11-04T12:36:00.001-05:00

Ok...I'm in serious need of those little blue pills that men pop in order to feel numb. How on earth do they do it? I can't love someone one minute...and then feel nothing for them the next minute. So I'm convinced there must be some kind of little blue pill. If anyone knows where I can get one, please let a girl know!

In other news: I got a job. Well currently I actually have 3. Gonna have to quit one of those...just keeping my options open! :)

P.S. Will almost definitely be in NYC for Christmas...

Its Election Day Hooray!!!!

2008-11-04T08:30:00.000-05:00

Seriously....not much time to blog. I have to make sure you all vote today. If you sit here and read my blog...you won't have time to vote. So I"ll save my post for later tonight! GET OUT AND VOTE! If you're undecided vote for OBAMA. If you have already made your thoughtful decision....great. Vote your conscious. GO OBAMA!!!!!

I'll be home for Christmas...or maybe not

2008-11-02T09:28:00.000-05:00

So I just realized that its November...so I should start planning my trip home for Christmas. I looked at flights on Delta and they are about $800!!!! I can't believe it. I have a $300 credit on Delta thanks to a flight to Charleston that was canceled. But still...I think its outrageous to pay $800 to fly home. I am sad, but seriously who has that kind of money to spend on flying home for 3-4 days? I don't! My other thought is that my brother and his wife are having a baby in May and damn...my youngest sister is probably getting married around then-so maybe I'll just wait to go home then.

But I miss my Abbey! I was planning on going home in December to get her. This is the worst news ever. Also....I don't have any family out here. I mean I have some great friends. I live with one my dear friends and her family... so its not like I'm completely alone. It will just be my first Christmas away. Just when I leave home my family actually starts doing some interesting things. I'm missing the whole pregnancy and watching my sister in law balloon up. I'm missing Heather's impending engagement. And the boy I loved broke my heart. (I only mention it because I dreamt of him all night.)

But here I am living my adventure. I just have to keep focused on my goals...because I'm about to start two jobs in retail. haha I got hired at the Body Shop for seasonal work. They only can promise me 10-16 hours a week. Since I can't even support my phone habits with that job...I will be getting another one. I had an interview at Restoration Hardware yesterday and it went really well. I will have the second interview this week and so I'll let you know how it goes. The guy that interviewed me was so cute! I didn't see a ring...but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Big sigh. When did it get so expensive to fly home, drive across the city and buy a Starbucks? I can't wait for Obama to be President and change things.

Lots of love on a Sunday morning. I hope you enjoyed that extra hour of sleep I gave you.

Clarification....

2008-10-30T10:44:00.000-04:00

Good morning loves. So last night's post was kind of a joke. I also can not think of anything worse than being a housewife in the 50's. I love my modern life as a woman. But I will say that there is something to be said for tradition. If men would be more like the gentlemen of old (i.e. Carey Grant) then I'd be happy to make them a pot roast occasionally. haha

So I've got some interviews set up for tomorrow and I'm going to meet with a woman at Seton Hall who is helping me to get set up there. I'll be starting school at William Patterson in January and then at Seton Hall in September. I kind of think I'm crazy...but here goes nothing. Its so crazy to think that I'm actually going to go to grad school. If you would have told me two years ago that I'd be doing that I would have laughed in your face. But life is funny. I'm really looking forward to a new challenge and lord knows how much I love change.

Proper care and feeding of husbands

2008-10-29T17:09:00.000-04:00

So I've been reading this really great book lately and I really feel like its sinking in. So tonight I'm making a roast beef feast.... I'm doing my hair and dressing in the cutest little thing I can find. I just hope that when my husband gets home from his long hard day I can give him the best massage and melt all of his worries away.

HAHAHAH ok....so as you know I am not married. But I was thinking about what it would have been like to be a housewife in the 50's. Because today for some reason I sure felt like one.

something good

2008-10-29T08:51:00.000-04:00

So last night Jersey Johnny and I had a long talk. We have known each other for a long time and we have had many different feelings for each other. I'm not sure exactly what was accomplished in the end of our talk, but I felt a lot better.

Part of me just still wants that sexy black man that used to love me. I guess I'll just get my shit together... and go from there.

Blustery Day

2008-10-28T09:21:00.000-04:00

Good Morning! I had a nice evening at home last night. I cuddled up with the dogs and watched Sleep Hollow. I love Johnny Depp! It was the perfect end to my day to watch this great scary movie.

Yesterday I decided I was going to go on a little drive. My mistake was that I tried to take a short cut that John showed me. I didn't turn off of it when I was supposed too and I ended up somewhere I didn't plan on being. But eventually I found my way and ended up going to West Point. I didn't see any cute military men.... but I'm sure I can find some later. ehehe

After driving to West Point I decided that I really wanted to go to the cemetery in Sleepy Hollow to see where Washington Irving was burried. So I drove to Sleep Hollow and went to the cemetery. It was kinda cool because I basically drove right to his grave site without any problems. It was just as creepy as I thought it would be and then I drove by the Headless Horseman Bridge. I am so in love with the little town of Sleepy Hollow. I would actually love to live there. It is right along the Hudson River...but its far enough away from Manhatten that it isn't as gross as it is near the city.

Still looking for jobs. MJ found me a temp job with her company. I'm going to take it because I need to work.... I am going nuts!

Hopefully I can get everything going and get hired on for a full time position. Well I'm off to face the rain and wind.

What a great weekend! made possible by NYC

2008-10-27T10:03:00.000-04:00

I had such a great weekend! On Friday night I went in to the city with Emily and Danielle to a fundraiser for Project Whitehouse. Our friend Melissa works for the project and they were having a fundraiser to raise money in order to train women to take on leadership roles, specifically in the government. The function was at Marquis which is right next to Glass (Nicole always used to tell me to go to Glass, but I never made it there before. Now I know where it is! ). There was some free drinks and some free drama. All in all it was a fun night. I have to remember though that alcohol is a little bit stronger here than I'm used too...haha I seem to remember singing "I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one" really loudly.

Saturday was even more fun! Em and I got up early (despite my massive hang over) and went in to the city with her mom, MJ. They were going to see Wicked and I was going to go to The Met. Well MJ has a friend who is in Wicked and he invited all three of us on a backstage tour. It was so much fun! I thought of Heidi the whole time because I know that she would have enjoyed it as much as I did. We met the whole cast and all the dressers and stage crew. It was so fun to see the behind the scenes. It made me miss my theatre days a little. So after seeing all of that...there was no way that I could leave and go to the Met! So after we found a little man who was able to "hustle" me up a ticket...I was able to see the show. It was AWESOME! I laughed, I cried...it was great. Probably one of my favorite shows.

Sunday night was also great! As most of you know....I love Sleepy Hollow. I am obsessed with Hudson Valley. I don't know why but it is so magical to me. There is just something about it. I convinced John in to taking me to this Legend of Sleepy Hollow thing they have. When we got there we had to walk down this dimly lit path in to the Legend Festival. It was surrounded by trees and a little pond. When we got to the beginning there was a man dressed in clothing from 1600's. He was telling the story of Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman. It was so fun to listen to the story by this big bonfire. After the story we turned the corner and were met by none other than the Headless Horseman! It was sooooo cool. I love this kinda shit. haha Then we walked the rest of the grounds and saw haunted trees and ghost puppets. It was such a good time. I can't wait to go back next year and see even more.

After we got back to my house John kissed me. On the way to Sleepy Hollow he grabbed my hand in the car and I had to fight back my tears. I know why I cried... and I know why it just didn't seem right that he was kissing me, but I didn't stop him. I don't know if it will feel right to have anyone else kiss me for a while.

I had a great weekend... but now here I am on a Monday morning trying to make sense of it all.

Kate Spade

2008-10-24T20:09:00.000-04:00

The only conceivable cure I know for a broken heart is....beautiful, red, italian leather. Thank god I have an occasion to wear my new Kate Spade beauties. I love them so much I want to sleep with them. Seriously....I don't need some sexy black man. I have my sexy red shoes.

Speaking of broken hearts... mine sure is.

Oh What a Day

2008-10-22T10:01:00.000-04:00

Ok...so its no secret. I'm in love with Ingrid Michaelson. She just happens to be exactly what I need right now as I'm going through a tough time with my heart. This morning while getting ready I was listening to "Oh What a Day", one line stuck out to me, "Oh what a day is today, nothing can stand in my way. Now that you've shipped out from under my skin, I think I'm ready to win." I'm tired of feeling like I've lost everything. So today...I'm ready to win.

I applied at a bunch of places yesterday. I actually really want to get a job at Whole Foods. There are many reasons why I think it would be a good job for me. But the major reason is because I will be able to get insurance! So cross your fingers. My parents kept harassing me to get a "real job" because I have my degree. Well its all fine and good to get a real job...accept for the fact that the job I want is to be a diplomat...and I want to go finish Grad school before I even attempt the big nasty test I have to take to become a diplomat. Well yesterday my dad had a break through...on his own. He called and said...oh Jess you know I was thinking....if you were to get a "real job" (i.e. with the state department) you may not be able to focus on school. WOW! Something I've been trying to get them to understand for the past 5 months. Insane. Well I'm glad they finally get it. Now that I'm not dating that sexy black man (still not really ready to write about it)...my parents will probably call and tell me they are sold on the idea. EH!

In other news.... I am so happy to be back on the east coast. I miss my friends back home so much-but this is where I'm supposed to be. I love everything about being here and so does my skin! Cross your fingers that I can find a job soon though....I'm sooooo bored and I want to meet some new people.

Also.... I am so horny right now. I think its the weather and probably because I haven't gotten any in a while... but I am looking for some lovin. I'll keep you posted. A quick fling should help me sufficiently flush the memory of the best thing that ever happened to me out of my mind and heart.

I just want to be OK

2008-10-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

Well its been a while since I've had time or access to catch everyone up on my day to day life. The biggest news is that I'm in Jersey! Finally. It was so weird to be back at first, but now it seems so normal. I bought myself a MAC yesterday...and I love it! I've never had one before so it took me a few minutes to get used to it, but I really like it.

My first business is to find a job. I haven't worked in like 3 weeks...and its really getting old. I know some people would love to have that time to relax, but the past 3 weeks haven't all been fun and games. A lot of things have happened lately...some of which I'm not ready to talk about. Some things have been great. I went to Disneyland with my family before I moved east and that was really nice. Then our economy went to shit and it took almost a week and a half longer to close on my house than I had originally planned on. Luckily though...the house sold and its all closed. It was the weirdest feeling to leave my home and know it was for the last time. I had made some good memories there and in a way I'll miss it. But as I've said before, I knew it was time to leave.

I've been in to the city a few times since I've been back and its been nice. I can't describe it but it feels like I've come home...kind of.

Some things that I didn't want to change have changed and I'm dealing with them the best that I can. Someday I'll think about writing about it, but not yet. Its too raw right now and I can't deal with it.

ciao ciao ciao

2008-09-24T08:15:00.000-04:00

Wow...here it is! It is my last working day in Utah. I was seriously beginning to think that this day would never come. But here it is! In a few short hours I'll be on my way to Disneyland. I'm really proud of my family...they are doing something very spontaneous. About 3 weeks ago we were having a nice Sunday dinner at my parent's home. Usually Sunday dinners consist of political debates which have been known to send me home feeling somewhat irate, but this particular Sunday there were no such instances. They were discussing a vacation that they wanted to take in March to Disneyland, I knew that I wouldn't be able to go in March and threw out the idea of going in September. By some miracle I was able to talk them in to going on a semi-last minute trip! So today we leave for Disneyland! When I come back I sign the closing papers on my condo...and I'm freeee!

It seems crazy to think that I've owned my place for over two years now....its even crazier to think that soon I will not be paying a mortgage. Its a nice feeling actually-I've been stressed financially beyond belief. Its funny though how life always finds a way of working itself out. I can't even count how many times I was stressed about paying all of my bills...and yet somehow it always worked out.

I'm really going to miss my co-workers, they have been so much fun! I've really enjoyed the people I've met and the connections I've made. There are so many fun memories but I know its time to move on. I've worked in the hotel industry most of my adult life and it is definitely time for me to go in a different direction!

icecream

2008-09-22T20:36:00.000-04:00

for dinner...its all i want.

Faith in Barack Obama and Faith in me

2008-09-18T13:35:00.000-04:00

Look....I am not one to push my political agenda on anyone. I will state my beliefs and I'm happy to discuss and even debate with those who have a different view point from me. I even dated a Republican once. haha I just feel so strongly these days about different "issues" that are being thrown around that I really should say something. I want to tell you why I support Barack Obama for the next President of the United States. Feel free to agree or disagree. I think I'm diplomatic enough to understand other points of view and even consider them.

First let me start by saying that this is not a decision that I have taken lightly. As an American I feel a duty to the future generations and every other country in the world to carefully consider my choice for President. It is not egotism that makes me say this. It is just a fact. The President of the United States is one of the most important and influential people in the whole world. With this great position there comes great responsibility. We are now in a situation in the world where we can stand idly by and continue to rely on other nations for our fuel sources (nations who by the way don't really like us) or where we can solve this problem on our own. Obama wants to put together a force to solve this problem in which we will be self sufficient within ten years. We have an opportunity to be a leader in the world for solving the environmental issues that will effect the WORLD or we can watch more and more glaciers melt and sit back and wait for the end as we continue to pollute.

There are many bad people in this world but there are also many good. We started something in the Middle East, and we have to finish it. But we need to do it responsibly and we need to let the people in Iraq make their own way. We are a great nation, we fought for our independence from England and we won. We made our Constitution we made our own laws and we didn't have much help from anyone. We have done many good things in Iraq, as well as some bad things, but it is time for us to bring our soldiers home. Of course we will have a presence there for many years to come. We are in the process of training Iraqi's to police their streets and to protect their country. I have heard some amazing stories from men and women who have served over there. I know that the media has not always told everything that is happening in the correct light but I strongly feel it is time for us to get out...responsibly.

I also seem to have a soft spot in my heart for diplomacy. (Weird I know) I believe its time that we practice a more diplomatic foreign policy. I think we need to work with other world leaders. We need to show that we are strong and humble. We owe it to ourselves to put past issues behind us and begin a new path. Its time for us to stop the double standards that we have practiced for years.

I am concerned that our country has gone down hill since we started putting so much focus and money in to Iraq. Our economy is in shambles and many families are not making it. I feel so blessed to be an American. I know that my life is a dream for most people in the world. This is knowledge that I do not take for granted. But I am saddened that people in this country who are paying taxes and struggling to make it have to choose between buying gas and paying for health insurance for their children. I do not think socialized medicine is the answer (Neither does Barack). But I do believe that all children in this country should have health insurance and I do believe that premiums and health care should be more affordable. For most of my adult life I have not had insurance. I've been lucky...no health problems yet (knock on wood) but there are things I should have checked out but with no health insurance I can't even begin to think of paying for it.

I'm tired of politicians pointing fingers and placing the blame, it is OUR problem America. We elected them. We don't watch them. We don't call, we don't write. We have got to stop being so apathetic. WAKE the FUCK up! If you elect an official, watch what they do. If there is an issue you care about-write a letter. Get involved. We have so many wonderful people in this country that I truly think if we all just got a little more involved we could begin to heal the hearts of those suffering. I am not saying that I've done as much as I can. I've written a few letters but I haven't gotten around to volunteering in a long time.

Anyway...to my point: I believe in Barack Obama. This man is truly a gift. He is our chance to make some real change in Washington. He will work with both parties to make the best America possibly. He inspires me to believe in change. He gives me a brighter outlook. He has great plans for this country. Read his website if you're interested to hear about those plans. You don't have to vote for Obama just because I am. But I beg of you to please study both candidates and really consider your decision, for it is not just the fate of our nation, but the fate of the world in your hands.

wowzer....

2008-09-16T18:08:00.000-04:00

so...they want to close on my house next week...before i go to disneyland. WOW! HELP! I have to pack up my whole life.

Today I am a woman...and a DEMOCRAT!

2008-09-13T17:07:00.000-04:00

This is the best election year that I can remember. I am so proud to be a democrat. I am proud of how far we have come and I am proud of who we have chosen to be our candidate. When I saw Barack Obama speak four years ago at the DNC, I knew he would one day be our President. For the last eight years I have stood by feeling helpless to make any kind of change to our current situation. But Barack Obama has given me hope. He has given me courage. He has proven that he can lead the people in this country that want a change. He has organized us together so that we can have a say. We no longer need to feel helpless. The government is listening. It is time for the citizens of the United States of America to stand up and take our country back! It is not the government's job to raise our children. It is not the government's job to hold together our families. It is not the government's job to tell me what I can and can't do with my body! It is time we end this war in Iraq, it is time we solved this energy crisis, it is time for us to take care of our planet! It is time for us to heal old wounds and take care of the health of the children of this great nation.

I am so proud to be from a country where I as a woman can vote. I can attend school (and read good books!) and I can pursue all of the dreams that I may have. Because of these great privileges I feel a great responsibility.

Sarah Palin: I haven't spoken up about this because I've been letting it marinate. I am now so upset that I can't keep quiet any longer.Some women in this country are "thrilled" with the choice of Sarah Palin as VP for the Republican ticket. I am less than "thrilled". I feel that McCain's choice is a slap in the face to women who have worked so hard to eliminate sexism and have fought so hard for equality. I can stand up and say that as a woman she does not represent me in the least. How can a woman be so narrow minded that even in the cases of rape or incest she would deny a woman an abortion????? I find it so difficult to understand how anyone could be in support of her. She cares nothing about the environment and understands nothing of foreign policy and diplomacy. In these crazy times we need a leader who can lead our country out of the mess it is in. Considering McCain's health...it is a very scary possibility that if he is elected Palin could lead this country.

One day we will have a female president, but when we do I want her to be educated, experienced and understanding. Not uneducated, inexperienced and closed minded with a pretty face! Good Lord people!!! Get educated on the issues! Obama will save most of us money! Obama will provide health care to children! Obama will end the war in Iraq as soon as possible and Obama will help lead the CHANGE that this country so desperately needs!

Thoughts from a park bench....

2008-09-13T17:04:00.000-04:00

We are all a mess. All of us are looking for that "one" thing that won't let us down. That "one" job that will challenge and engage us. That "one" place that will give us what we need, and of course, that "one" relationship that will change who we are forever. Humans don't want to be alone. We need to feel loved, needed, cherished and adored. the thing is, none of us can even begin to know where to look. that perfect job will just fall in to your lap if you work hard. That place will find you when you are ready. But love. Love is different. Love finds us, yet we run away. Love leaves us and we want it back. Love shows us who we are. And if we listen, love will show us everything in our hearts.

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there...

2008-09-11T21:53:00.000-04:00

Today is September 11th. This day brings many emotions for me. I will never forget that day seven years ago. Although looking back it was pretty normal. I was in Utah. I didn't look out my window and see pieces of the twin towers falling. I didn't lose someone I loved on that day, but I was affected. On that day I decided that I would become a diplomat. I saw that there were so many problems in the world and I wanted to try and help.

Today all I kept thinking was about that day 7 years ago. When the towers fell I didn't regret the pair of shoes I'd been drooling over...I didn't wish for more time with that cute guy I'd crushed on. All I wanted was to be with the people that I loved. And today my only thought was very similar. I longed to be with the people I love, especially one in particular that has serves our country every day. But the main thing on my mind today is that on September 11th is that we are all Americans. On this day we are not democrats or republicans...we are not white or black...we are simply Americans. And that I think is beautiful.

When Harry met Sally...I was asleep

2008-09-10T13:47:00.000-04:00

I was so tired last night. After a long night at work I came home to another mean note from my neighbor...and a beer. After reading the note...I downed the beer and quickly fell asleep on the couch. Boo for mean passive aggressive neighbors. They are lame. Yay for 3 people wanting to buy my house...and more calling today. It must be time for me to finally go!

I knew there were some issues with Utah that I needed to clear up before it would let me leave. And thankfully I think those are all cleared up. On Saturday night at the Greek Festival (slightly drunk off my ass) I happened to see the last asshole I dated. The funny thing is...I saw him like 3 months ago at the Farmer's Market and I couldn't run fast enough to get away from him. But on Saturday night when I saw him...I began to laugh. I laughed so hard that I cried. Meridith asked me what was so funny...and all I could say was, "that man is an asshole"...hahaha! It occured to me then and there that I am finally over him. Like I've forgiven him. I've been "over" him for a while....but the things he did to me were so bad...it took some time to heal.

And now I'm ready to go back to Jersey. With any luck the Mets will make the play offs and I'll be able to see them play at Shea stadium. There are so many shows I've been dying to see and so many other New York places that I've missed! I can't wait to have a bagel, walk through central Park, drive to Hudson Valley, walk down Broadway and I can't wait to see all of my fabulous friends that I haven't seen in 3 years! I love New York in the fall!

And so it goes...

2008-09-09T18:08:00.000-04:00

Its happening....the offers are starting to pour in on my house. This all tells me that it is absolutely time for me to go. FINALLY! Thank you Jesus. Thank you !

Good Day Sunshine!

2008-09-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

Dear Universe- Thank you!!!!!!!!! I am so thankful for many things. Today when my alarm went off at 5 am I was tempted to turn it off completely...but I decided it wouldn't be such a bad idea to get up and go to work. On my way to work I got a wake up call from a comforting familiar voice and that made all the difference to my morning.

It is absolutely beautiful out. I love these end of summer mornings where its cold enough to need a light jacket...but a cup of coffee can quickly warm you up. Based upon the fact that I think I'll be leaving this place pretty soon...I'm going to make the most of my last Utah mornings. I love seeing the mountains, they are absolutely gorgeous and I love watching the city change colors from green to gold. I also love my friends. I've got some really great friends who are always there for me. I'm really going to miss them and I am especially going to miss my little sisters. I've done such a good job raising them. It will be hard for me to not be near them...but it is time for me to go in pursuit of my dreams.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I've got a great weekend planned starting with a nice long walk when I get off work and then dinner and a movie with the girls and tomorrow Farmer's Market and Greek Festival!!! If only I had one more thing my weekend would be perfect. But he is in South Carolina trying to stay dry from the hurricanes. La Vita E Bella!

things that make me go hmmmm

2008-09-04T21:04:00.000-04:00

why is that when one thing goes well in your life...other things don't go well? just a question.

Today is really Awesome....really!

2008-09-03T18:38:00.000-04:00

I got an offer on my house. :) A real legitimate one in writing..and its a good offer. In my mind I'm already gone.

Realizations

2008-08-31T14:31:00.001-04:00

Life is good. I've realized a lot of things in the last twenty four hours and its been very good for me. Life is not a speed race...its a a slow journey. There is always time to take a step back and slow down. Recently I met someone that has been very good for me. It is the most mature and adult relationship that I have ever been in.

We both have baggage...and we both have things we need to work out. It is so nice to have someone in my life that reminds me of this. He is supportive and allows me space and time to figure things out on my own. I have to give him a little space and time right now. He is dealing with a lot of crap...crap that has nothing to do with me.

Sometimes I get scared. I get scared of the things in my past and sometimes the fears of my past make me scared for my future. But I have to listen to my dear friend Julie who told me that I have to let go of my past in order to open the new doors in my future.

I have no idea what to do in my life. I'm not where I thought I would be...I'm not doing what I thought I would be doing...and I'm not even dating who I thought I would be dating. Life has completely turned upside down. Its not a bad thing...and I'm trying to make the most of it, but sometimes I get a little frustrated and a little down. Just trying to deal with things.

How to Recognize a Good Guy when you see him

2008-08-30T19:48:00.000-04:00

This is from an old issue of O Magazine :

You want a man who can make you laugh when you're down and who laughs with you when you're up, a man who listens and asks questions and responds.

A man who rubs your feet to put you to sleep and who goes out for the café mochas when you have to stay up and who knows that on those working all-nighters the answer to any question involving whip cream is always yes.

You want a man who will wash your hair, who'll cook you dinner, who'll talk to your Father on the phone when you can't bear to, who'll read to you on trips, and who's happy when you read (or sing or dance) for him.

You want a man who when he finds out that there are $199 fares to Kona suggests you go with your best girlfriend while he stays home and takes care of your dog. You want a man who will drive that same dog around all night when he is hallucinating and howling after the vet gave him too much post surgical morphine, because you are up for a promotion and have an interview with the dean at 8 a.m.

You want a man who loves many things: his work, his landscape, a sports team,
and his friends.

You want a man who knows that love is not a pie, that sex is not a sport, that faith
(in the world, in each other) is a little like a full-time job.

You want a man who knows that women have a secret, and even though he can't know what it is, he is smart enough to want to live in its light.

Most important, you want a man who can continue to surprise you, for a week, a month, a year, a lifetime, which is to say a man who has a big imagination, and who is willing to use it to win your heart. -P.H.

awesome

2008-08-30T15:08:00.000-04:00

this is the most awesome day of my life.

Whatever You like

2008-08-26T01:33:00.000-04:00

Can someone please come in to my life with loads of money and tell me that I can have whatever I like? Reggie and I play this mafia game on Facebook...today Reggie had so much money he said he would buy me a new car. haha If only!!! Why can't any of the money made in games be real money? Just a thought.

So tonight Allison and I went to the James Blunt/Sheryl Crow concert. It was so fun. I drank so much beer. I will have no problem falling into a deep deep sleep in just a few minutes. So I'm still here in Salt Lake. As August nears to a close...I feel weird.

I'm still breathing....I'm still working and I'm still living in Salt Lake. It isn't at all what I expected. But hey...life isn't always what you think it will be. I just don't know what to do until life starts being more like I planned it to be. I guess I need to make the most of it. Doug tells me to enjoy my time here...and really...I'm trying. I absolutely love my friends. I've had so much fun this summer with them. But its time for me to move on.

1. I have to quit my job. I love the people I work with...but I don't make enough money...and its killing me a little.

2. I have to figure out what to do about school. Where should I go to Grad school? Or should I still go?

3. I have to learn how to not be crazy. This will be the hardest of all. But really...I'm working on it.

it don't matter if you're black or white....or does it?

2008-08-19T18:03:00.000-04:00

I was raised to think it didn't matter. My parents always taught me to love everyone. So it made me a little sad that my recent news got a bad reaction from my parents. Just a little background...I am very private. Private when it comes to my dating life and my parents. I learned at an early age how critical they could be of those I was dating...so I basically had a rule that until I knew how I felt about someone...I wasn't going to tell my parents about him. So fast forward....met someone great. Decided to tell my parents about him.

Well lets just say that he isn't exactly the race or religion that they would like him to be. It was a huge fiasco...until I played one of his voice mails for my parents. After listening to Reggie sing me like 6 Christmas songs...they completely understood why I like him. He's a dork...just like me. I sure don't know what will happen with this relationship...but I'm really enjoying it. No one has made me happier. He is kind, he appreciates me and he understands me.

I just wish that for once my parents would be happy that I'm happy. They have moved past the race thing...sorta....but they have other issues with him...and with me for that matter. Oh well. I am happy and aint nothin gonna get me down.

i think i'm ready...thank you Katy Pery

2008-08-15T19:45:00.000-04:00

I Think I'm Ready (Katy Pery)

I'm used to opening my own doors
and splittin' the checkshe introduced me was always just the friend
i bought a new dress he never noticed

Always fallen for these bad boys such a challenge
I'm getting tired of cleaning up after them
i think im ready to be a woman
oh love i think im readyready for it

You were such a suprise an unexpected gift
said i was prettyand i believed it
not really used to all this attention
told myself i don't deserve you
and this is just a phase
could i get used tobeing loved the right way

i wanna argue but there is nothing to say
oh love i think im ready, ready for it(i think im ready)ready for it
oh love i think im ready

Cuz you send me flowers when theres no occasion
yeah, we talk for hours you still want to listen
wont hold it against me
if i just need you to hold me tonight

My mother always told me that you'd show up one day
so scared to feel this way
but love i think im ready,ready for it (ready for it)
ooooo love i think im ready,ready for it (ready for it)
oh love i think im ready

In the Sprintime of his voodoo...and other confessions

2008-08-10T09:52:00.000-04:00

I am ridiculously happy...like talk to strangers and tell jokes to little kids happy! I think this is what it must feel like to be in love. About a month ago I was talking to Reggie and I felt this weird swell in my heart. Its a little overwhelming but I am containing the happiness. Life is truly good. I feel so blessed. Its like after all of those horrible...horrible past relationships I have finally found a guy who will treat me the way I deserve. Last weekend he knew I was having a particularly rough day...and he made up tree jokes to tell me. (If you know me...you know how much I love a good tree joke). I told him the other day that I've never been so happy...his response..."good! you deserve it!". I sure do love me some chocolate milk! Shout out to Heidi and Allison.

Although I still haven't sold my condo...I am looking on the bright side of life. There are some people in my life that think that I can only be happy on their terms...and boy are they wrong. I found a "self help" book that I was reading several years ago when I was trying to be happy on "their terms". As I flipped through the pages and read the notes I had written, I realized how sad I was back then. I think the two most important things in life are 1. to be true to yourself and 2. to find a person that loves the you that you love. (thank you Carrie Bradshaw). I'm thinking that maybe I should write a book.

Ok...so my confession....I've been following one of my friends by reading his blog on a weekly basis. I really love this friend and thought he hated me. I have loved hearing about all of the fun he is having in New York and all of the funny things he has to say. Well today as I was catching up with his week...I glanced to the right and saw a link to my blog. It was under a label "blogs I read". I can't tell you how happy this little thing made me.

counting chickens

2008-07-28T16:20:00.000-04:00

appearantly you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch.....still no offer. Frustrating!!! But, I really feel like I was supposed to be here a little longer. After all...if I would have left when I wanted too..I wouldn't have met Reggie. And he is the cat's meow.

Baseball, politics and babes

2008-07-17T09:18:00.000-04:00

I love baseball. I have been a Mets fan now for a few years...and I'm happy to say that they are finally starting to pick it up this season. The Mets started out with an awful year...but are quickly moving their way up to the top of the standings. I'm hoping that I'll make it to New Jersey in time to catch them in action in Shea...because very very soon Shea will be a distant memory. I'm always sad about old landmarks closing, but its exciting to see the new Citi Field. I'm sure it will be very nice.
Politically I am very content at this point. I couldn't be happier with the democratic nominee! I love Barack Obama. The more I read about this man the stronger I feel that he needs to be our next President. Especially now that I have some strong feelings about this man in the Airforce...I feel even stronger that this war needs to end! He's been over to Iraq twice already! I don't want him to have to go again...but I feel like only Obama can help end this crap.
As far as babes go...I have found a huge babe. He is so babelicious I can't even begin to describe his babeness. I am pretty much the happiest that I have been in a really long time.

p.s....good news!!!

2008-07-11T12:13:00.000-04:00

so i am expecting an offer on my house today....cross your fingers! :)

leaving las vegas....

2008-07-11T11:33:00.000-04:00

I had a wonderful time in Las Vegas. I didn't want to leave...but in a few days the man I went to Vegas to see will be leaving Vegas for good anyway. He is moving to S. Carolina. I really like this guy. Like I like him A LOT! He is everything on my list. Its like someone read what I want in a man and then put him in my life. It makes me a little nervous...but I feel so good about this one. Sure, I've said that before...but this time it really feels different. I'm trying to proceed with caution...but I can't seem to take this silly grin off of my face. My life has completely flipped in the past month...and I'm so happy about it. The one thing that I am not happy about is the fact that I'm entering in to yet another long distance relationship. I don't know how I keep getting myself in to these situations. Oy Vay! But here goes nothing....so far he seems to be worth it...and at least New Jersey and S. Carolina are in the same time zone...and only about 8 hours apart.

Suspicious Minds....

2008-07-05T10:37:00.000-04:00

So I got a very suspcious phone call yesterday from an Aunt that I never hear from. I didn't answer the phone when she called cause I didn't recognize the number...so I sent it to my voicemail. She just called to say that she loves me and that she is proud of me for graduating. (p.s. I graduated 2 months ago). I get suspicious when I get these kinds of calls because it makes me know that my dad has told her how worried he is about me. Which I don't really get. If your daughter just graduated and was planning on attending Grad School in the fall to become a diplomat....would you be worried about her? Or would you think...wow...I have a great kid? Sometimes I feel like the only thing that matters to my parents is the fact that I'm not married to a mormon guy with five kids and all that. But lets face it...I am me...and I am not that girl that they dreamt I would be. BIG SIGH! Tonight I am on my way to Vegas...I couldn't be more excited!!! I am going to see that Mr. Airforce...who has actually earned the right to a real name amongst my friends. :)

by popular demand....

2008-07-03T15:09:00.000-04:00

Ok...well I only had a request from one person to update my blog. But I really like that one person...so here I go. I'm sitting in one of my favorite locations in Salt Lake City listening to music and sipping on chai. I have had a lot of Ah Hah! moments lately. After years of putting up with a mediocre man...I think I may have hit the jackpot. I met this guy just a few months ago. He isn't from Salt Lake, nor does he live here. I know what you are thinking...smooth move dummy....way to find ANOTHER long distance relationship. Well I didn't plan on it really. Its strange because I wasn't looking to meet anyone. I was perfectly happy with the situation I was in....but then Reggie walked in to my life. Reggie is nothing like the guys I usually go for. As you know...I usually prefer my men foreign. haha Reggie is totally an American. He is in the Air force (another thing I vowed never to get involved in), he currently lives in Vegas but is moving to Charleston on the 15th. He is smart, funny, artistic, spontaneous, loves to travel and is so cool! Reggie is mature and thoughtful and so many things that past relationships have not been. Its kind of funny because both of us were at that place in life where we were content being single and we weren't looking for anything. I guess that's usually when it happens.

Anyway...I'm going to Vegas on Saturday to spend a few days with him before he moves. I'm so excited to be going to see him. We always have the best conversations and I plan on kicking his butt in bowling. I don't remember the last time I met a guy that made me feel like this. I will keep you posted...but for now things aren't looking so good for that guy from Jersey that some of you were pulling for. He just isn't a man...

P.S.

2008-06-25T09:31:00.000-04:00

I appologize for my language in previous post. Some things never change.

I'm not that girl...

2008-06-25T09:24:00.000-04:00

Blah! I hate mornings. I have never been an early riser and I don't ever want to get in the habit of waking up before the sun. I just can't do it. Occasionally I can handle it...but it is not my preference. I'm just not that pleasant until about 9 am...or after a few cups of coffee and a New York Times. I'm not one of those people that has to have coffee to operate in the morning...I'm just much more pleasant if I have some. Life here in Utah is still grand as ever (sarcasm). I'm trying to be patient...but it isn't very easy. On a side note...I planned a trip to see one of the boys I mentioned in a previous post. I'll be going to Vegas on July 5-8th. I'm really excited. It will be the only vacation I'll be having until I get in my car and drive across the country. A side note to that cross country trip...I'm not sure if anyone is available...but I may need a driving partner.

remember the time i drove all night....

2008-06-21T10:39:00.000-04:00

OK...so here i am at my last day of work at a place i refer to as "hotel 1". i am soooooo happy that it is my last day here. this ends what has been a hell year for me. I really don't feel sad to be leaving at all. Its time for me to go. Someone once said that a lady always knows when its time to leave...and this lady knows without a shadow of a doubt that it is time to leave. There are so many things I could say...

To those of you that I will miss...goodbye and good luck. To those of you that I celebrate never seeing again....$*@* off :) I mean it in the best possible way. To the guests that have acted as if they were above me and treated me like I was stupid....GO TO HELL! I only wish that I could have said that to your face. You arrogant assholes. To the men who thought I was flirting with them because I was nice and smiled at them....get a life! To the guests who whined because they wanted a new room...I COULDN'T CARE LESS! To the people I told it was my pleasure to transfer...I lied. I hate answering the phone...and I don't want to speak to any of you.

While I'm at it....to the girl who slept with players at Real....FUCK YOU! You got what you deserved and I didn't tell on you. It was your stupid little intern.

Hmmm....I feel better.

Random Facts-tagged by Nikki

2008-06-20T00:53:00.000-04:00

1. I am a huge Billy Joel fan. I love him. My perfect date for this summer would be to attend the Billy Joel concert at Shea Stadium.

2. I love baseball and soccer. I spent most of my life thinking baseball was boring until suddenly one day I became a Mets fan and it changed my life. :) I love soccer...my favorite team is Juventus. I just love the Italian style of play.

3. I hate struggling with my luggage at the airport. If I have to struggle with it...I become supreme bitch. It is best that I pay $3 and rent a little cart.

4. I love traveling! I love meeting new people and discovering new places.

5. My secret fantasy is to be a lounge/big band singer. I would love to dress in one of those great dresses from the '50's and sing ballads. :)

6. I love Rachel Ray. I wish I could watch the show every day and be just like her.

7. My favorite place in the world is Cinque Terre, Italy. I wish that it wasn't getting so popular.

8. The next place I want to visit is Spain! I really want to see Barcelona and Madrid.

I tag Doug for this random facts survey. :)

please put your signal on!

2008-06-14T00:57:00.000-04:00

ok...so appearantly I've been giving off a wrong signal lately. I don't know if its because I'm so happy and looking forward to my near near future...or if the universe is playing tricks on me...but lately I have been getting hit on a lot. Normally I would welcome this fun behavior from men, as it is usually flattering...but lately it has been a little weird. This past week I've been hit on by men that I have noooooooo interest in. In fact my level of interest is negative. It came out of nowhere and totally caught me off guard. Life is too weird. There are either too many men or no men at all. Currently I am no longer in a drought and I'm not sure that it is a good thing. I have this situation...there are two men that I like. I know people think you can't like more than one man at a time...but I do! This totally came out of left field. They are totally opposite...and neither one lives in the same city as I do. This is such a quandary...but i'm totally excited to see where it goes...I'll try and keep you posted...but I am kind of afraid to give too many details online.

Dog and House for Sale!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-01T10:00:00.000-04:00

Last night was probably one of the worst nights I've had in a really long time. Well...it actually started out great. It was Elisa's bachelorette party. We began the night with incredible Italian food from Cucina Toscana. If you are in the Salt lake City area I highly recommend that you check out this very authentic restaurant. Walking in the door you know it is for real. It is oozing with that beautiful Italian style and charm. The owner of the restaurant was so cute! At the end of our meal he came over to ask us how our evening had been. I began speaking to him in Italian and he grabbed my cheeks and said "Bellissima"! We had a short conversation in Italian and it made me so happy. After dinner we went and saw Sex and the City. It was my third time seeing it this weekend and I must say...I loved it! My favorite part continues to be the scene where Carrie is "packing" and tries on the crazy dresses to get the girls input on toss or keep.

The night was lovely...I drove home and let Abbey out. Knowing I had to work in the morning at 7, I was anxious to get to bed. I was laying in bed for about 30 minutes when I felt something wet. Occasionally Abbey will lick her paw in bed and leave a small wet spot...but i could feel this was no small wet spot. So I turned on the light and sure enough Abbey had peed in the bed. Not only had she peed once...she had peed two or three times!!!!!! I was furious. I took her outside and came back in...too exhausted to deal with my bed I stripped the sheets and sprayed the mattress and made my way to the couch. By this time it was almost 3 and I had 4 hours until I had to be at work. I was just about asleep on the couch when Abbey climbed up on top of me and peed again!!!!!!! WTF? I was furious! I have neverrrrrrrr been so furious with my dog. I was ready to leave her outside to fend for herself. I took her out yet once more and made my way back in to sleep on the floor! Something is definitely wrong if I am sleeping on the floor and she is sleeping in my bed. I am here to announce that my dog will no longer be sleeping in the same bed as me. She has never done this before, and I can assure you she will never do it again.

Talking to a few people this morning they think she must be upset about something...I can't imagine why she would do that to me. I feed her, I love her, I take her to the park, I pet her, I scratch her belly...and this is how she repays me.

I am soooooooo exhausted and I'm here at work with less than a full hour of sleep. I seriously wish I was dead.

Someone buy my fucking house and get me out of this hell I'm living...please!

Oh Heaven!

2008-05-16T20:11:00.000-04:00

Big shout out to New Kids on the Block who totally made my week by getting back together and recording a new beautiful song. Its called Summertime. It makes me so happy. You really have to check it out. Its like the 12 year old girl inside of me has another chance at her love for Jonathan Knight. :)

Graduation Day

2008-05-02T10:28:00.001-04:00

I'm graduating today. FINALLY! I can't stop crying this morning. Maybe because I woke up at 4 am and couldn't get back to sleep....or maybe I'm just so relieved to be done. Or maybe I just want to go home. Its time for me to go home. Please buy my condo.

I Just Called to Say...I love You

2008-05-01T00:28:00.000-04:00

I know its super lame to anyone outside of the phone, but it is pretty much my favorite part of the night. Every night John and I spend at least an hour or more on the phone. We talk about nothing and something and all sorts of things. Sometimes we sit there quietly and watch a show or something. I know its lame, but its the closet thing we have to being together right now. I'm nervous and excited to see what will happen when we are actually in the same time zone. "The best thing you can do is to find someone who loves you for exactly who you are". (Juno) I may just have found that. Can you love someone that you haven't seen for 7 months? i think maybe you can. We'll find out. Its an experiment that I'm running and I really must find out ASAP! I really can't take being apart from him much longer. PLEASE BUY MY CONDO!

Forgiveness....

2008-04-29T16:02:00.000-04:00

So almost three years ago I had a major falling out with one of my best friends. It was all my fault. I let him down. And now three years later I'm still feeling so awful about it. We had so much fun together and I often remember the good times we had. One thing that we both loved was Sex and the City. As thrilled as I am every time I see the previews...I'm a little sad too. I miss Brian. I miss him so much in my life. He is so funny and so fun to be around. Everytime I hear the song, "The Heart of the Matter" which is used in the previews I think about Brian. I wish there was something I could do or say to take away the pain I caused him. Last week in my drunken stupor I thought about making him a big card and sending it, but I'm not even sure he wants anything to do with me. Brian is living in New York and I am so proud of him for getting there. He wanted to move out there for so long-so I wish him well. The thing is...I'm going to be moving back east very soon and I know that I'll most likely run in to Brian in the city, because well lets face it, this world is very very small. Rather than feel awkward, I'd really like to run up to him and give him a big hug. Brian, I'm sorry...really really sorry. As cheesy as it is, I'd like to ask for your forgiveness, I just don't know how.

Testosterone Depot

2008-04-26T14:52:00.000-04:00

So I just had to run to Home Depot to get some "Open House" signs for my condo. I kind of hate going to Home Depot because it is so completely out of my element. Even pulling in to the parking lot I'm very intimidated by all of the big Monster trucks and SUV's. I swear one of those trucks is going to run right over me one day and not even know it.

Anyway...once I finally found a parking spot I ran inside. Once inside I was so overwhelmed I almost ran back out. But I kept my eyes on the prize and made my way through all of the steel toed men. Have you ever noticed how many choices there are at Home Depot? After finding the various signs, I had to decide on the size and style of the sign. I am no good at these types of decisions. It took me 4 different stops to decide on the color to paint my house that I'm selling.

After waiting in line for the self check out for far too long, some guy decided to cut in front of me. I was so annoyed that I actually stepped in front of him and went to the machine. I turned and smiled saying, "Actually I was waiting for this one". He grunted and went to a different machine. Wouldn't you know it-my stupid self check out register was frozen! So the jerk actually beat me out of the store. Ech! I'd really like to get these men on my turf...say in Nordstroms shoe department. haha

Needless to say, I sure hope I won't be making any more trips to Home Depot in the near future. It is much too overwhelming for me.

marvelous!

2008-04-26T02:06:00.000-04:00

So today I was able to meet up with some old friends for lunch. It was so nice to catch up with everyone. It got me thinking about all of the wonderful people that I have been able to meet in my life.

Lets face it, my life so far has been a lot of fun, and very different than I ever thought it would be. In fact, I grew up with the notion that I would be a good little Mormon girl and marry some great returned missionary who baptized thousands, and we would live happily ever after while I was baking casseroles for the relief society sisters and he was home teacher of the year. (p.s. I am in no way bashing this life style, it works great for some people, just not great for me)

My, my, my....what a different path I've gone down. I still find it funny to think that by my age my mother had 3 children! I have a hard enough time balancing my time between my dog and my jobs. Maybe someday I'll be ready for kids, but for now I'm really doing just fine dealing with what I've got. I'll be honest, I'm sure glad I didn't marry that returned missionary who baptized thousands of people. There are many reasons, but the main one is...well he never existed for me. I dated a few "Mormon" guys and we never clicked. I suppose there is just something about me that makes me and the "Mormon boys" incompatible. I think that my parents have come to terms with it...but we'll see how they deal with the bombshell that I may be dropping on them.

Anyway, I sure am glad I was able to meet the wonderful people that I worked with at Real...but I don't really miss working there. Not one bit! I'm off to bed now cause I have to clean my house beyond recognition and get it ready for someone to buy it tomorrow!

note to self...

2008-04-22T19:20:00.001-04:00

working with the public blows!

beer before liquor...you get sicker quicker!

2008-04-21T01:31:00.000-04:00

oh yuck!!!! Can I just say that last night I did not have brilliant judgment. Trust me...I'm paying for it today! I don't even want to remember what I drank last night, but as I stumbled up the stairs of my condo...I couldn't wait to hit the toilet. I didn't even get out of bed until one o'clock today. All I have to say is "Damn the Irish for making those car bombs"! Johns said this was a true sign that I'm not as young as I used to be and can no longer drink like an idiot. haha Point taken. I did have fun with my girls last night....I only wish that I wouldn't have ended the evening on the toilet with my face down in it.

Saturday....my day off!

2008-04-19T19:05:00.000-04:00

So here I am....in my beautiful clean house! The only part about trying to sell my condo that I love is how nice my house looks. I really am an anal clean girl...if you've ever been to my house, I know you don't believe it-but I love it when everything is in its place. I feel like my brain can breathe. haha

My sister in law, Lisa is my realtor and so today she had a showing after my open house, so Abbey, Julia and I went to the park. It was so nice out. It was fun to spend some time with Julia and watch Abbey wanting to chase the ducks but being terrified of actually getting wet. I swear I have found myself in a dog. I personally think my dog is brilliant. I hate getting wet unless I'm already planning on it. I would never run in to a mucky park pond with ducks swimming in it. Abbey feels the same way. I just love her. She is so sweet and doesn't even mind seeing me naked.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with the girls! I couldn't be more excited. It has been so long since we've all been able to get together and hang out. I've been working way too much lately and I feel like I've missed out on so much. Sure...my bout of depression didn't really help matters either. I think I finally have my head on semi-straight and I'm good to go. Only time will tell of course.

The good news of the week is that I actually feel like I've made peace with Utah, so now I can go. I was so bitter and angry towards this place I'm currently in. Its been a constant battle because there are many things that I love about Utah. They are the following: my family, my friends, my house and hmmmm my dog. There that's it. But honestly it is beautiful here. It just doesn't tug at my heart the way that other places do. Yet, I knew that I had to make some kind of peace with Utah before I could move on.

The other good news is that I have today off from work! I love having today off....I just don't know what to do with myself! My house is clean, I have no homework or anywhere to be for two hours. It is awesome! Hurray for Saturday! Now if only I could get laid. I really need to get laid. I'm at my breaking point. my problem is that I have some morals now...and well lets face it, I'm past my "fun lay" age. I'm more in to the "get laid by someone you love" phase...and well that is just complicated. EH! Guess its me and Bob.

a few observations

2008-04-18T14:34:00.000-04:00

So I went shopping the other day to buy something to wear to work. Its sometimes frustrating because I don't really have a ton of money right now...but I need nice things to wear to work. So as I was shopping I noticed a funny trend in the "women" sizes. All of the brands were called like Goddess or something like that. I actually laughed out loud in the store because I thought about how bigger women are always trying to call themselves voluptuous and goddess like....which I think is fine for them...but as I'm shopping for a bigger size than I would like to wear, I don't feel like a goddess-I just feel fat. No name on the clothing I purchase will make me feel better about my size...so I quickly ran out of the store and did a work out video at home.

Today I took Abbey to this gorgeous park for a nice walk. As we walked through the park Abbey continually felt the need to sniff and relieve herself. As the walk grew to an end...I noticed she was running out of pee. haha She had left her scent on so many places in the park already that she could barely leave one more. It got me to thinking how funny it would be if humans went around leaving their scent everywhere. I'm not really sure why dogs do this...but I think it has something to do with territory and leaving their mark for dogs of the opposite sex. I laughed as I thought how funny it would be if every time I saw a cute guy I would pee to get his attention. I wonder if it would work. I seriously doubt it, so I won't be trying it anytime soon.

Its so nice out today, I'd really like to have a "sick day", but as it turns out I can't really afford a sick day...and I do have tomorrow off! Hallelujah.

Hotel Etiquette....

2008-04-14T21:50:00.000-04:00

So I have worked in the hotel industry a long ass time. During this time I have checked in and out thousands of people. During my time in the hotel I've noticed a few things that I would like to point out to travelers. I know that in fact most of the people that read this blog...and I know that no one that I know would ever behave poorly in a hotel...but on the off chance that I may reach out to some travel jerk....I'm posting this here.

1. Don't call the hotel directly for reservations. Some hotel front desk clerks have to make them and answer 50 other calls and deal with the guests all by themselves...call the reservations desk...it is their soul purpose in life to make reservations. You won't get a better deal by calling the hotel directly-I PROMISE! Sometimes you can walk in to a hotel and get a great rate if the hotel is slow and the front desk clerk is in a good mood. Be nice, tell a joke...be cool and you could get a better rate, depending on the hotel.

2. When you check in....do not call the front desk clerk a pet name....i.e. sweetie...honey...sugar....any of those-we don't think its cute.

3. If the front desk clerk is friendly and smiles at you....9 times out of 10...she/he is not interested in coming up to your room later...they are smiling and being friendly because it is their job. It is not amusing to be invited up to a guests room, it is annoying-so don't do it.

4. If you would like to request a special room, a particular floor, a free upgrade-mention that when you make the reservation. It is easier to make those types of changes before you check in...and before you are standing in the middle of the lobby whining about the floor you've been assigned.

5. Be nice! Always be nice! If you are rude to the front desk clerk....do you really think they are going to give you a free upgrade? UMMMMM....nope...."I'm sorry there doesn't seem to be any available". Ever heard that before? Well it isn't always true....but if you're rude or annoying...I guarantee it is what you will hear.

6. If you have a huge concern or issue with the hotel...DO NOT SCREAM at the front desk person. Calmly tell them what happened and listen for their response. If you feel like you are getting no where with them...kindly ask to speak with their manager or supervisor. Unfortunately hotels are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week...yaddi yada....so there isn't always a manager available. If this is the case, ask for the managers business card and contact them later. It varies upon the hotel...but many front desk agents do not have the authority to issue you more points for your stay or to refund you for your stay. Be patient and allow them to do their job. They are definately not paid enough to take any verbal abuse from you.

7. If you see the front desk agent speaking with another guest, do not barge in. It is rude, and no one thinks you are as important as you do.

8. Tip the housekeeping staff. They work very hard and are not paid well. Especially if you leave your room particularly messy...it is considerate but not expected to leave a 1-2$ tip per day. Of course you can always leave more if they did an excellent job.

9. If you enjoyed your stay, let them know...if you did not, please let them know. Most hotels actually do care about what their guests think. Feedback helps us to decide which employees are best and what we can do to improve.

10. I guess most of these are just common decency tips that can be applied to any day to day activities, but I hope that people will try and recognize them as they travel. Remember...you are representing your company, your country and your family.

alright....ok....

2008-04-08T10:56:00.000-04:00

Fine! Maybe whoever said I needed to change my attitude was right. I did...and well things are looking up. Its hard sometimes to focus on the future when you feel so trapped in your present. Based upon the news of last week....I'm actually surprised that I'm feeling so good. But I somehow just stopped caring about other people's actions. Instead I'm focusing on me. I am graduating in a month! That is so exciting. I've worked so hard on this for 10 years! I'm still in shock that this day is coming....but I know that it is. I bought my cap and gown last week and I even tried it on. It feels so good to have accomplished something. One of the reasons I went back to school was because I felt like I keep having these projects that went unfinished....so I took the biggest project and tackled it. I sort of fill like I may be able to tackle all of the other projects that have been left undone.

I have to admit though that I'm feeling a little tired of relationships. I mean like....romantic relationships. I feel like I have had such rotten luck in them my whole life. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be with someone else. Fine. It will take me some time to accept that...but when I do, I'll be OK. I suppose it could be a lot worse...I could be stuck in some polygamist compound or married to some guy that beat me. So I supposed I'm lucky that I'm single...because lets face it...with the luck I've had in relationships....I'd probably have a horrible marriage too. Being single also allows me to follow my dream. I can pick up and move...because well-its only me. It can be very sad and lonely at times...but that is just life. And I'm about to have a great life.

Bada Bing!

2008-03-31T11:48:00.001-04:00

There is something in the air today....maybe its the sun...but I am feeling a little better than yesterday. I think I'm going to contribute it to BASEBALL! The Mets have their first game. After aquiring Santana in the off season...they have a solid team. He's really all we needed to make the team unstoppable. I'm kind of bummed that I won't be able to watch their first game...but very soon (I hope) I'll be able to go to a game in person! In some ways I think I'm so anxious to move back east so I can enjoy the Mets in their last year at Shea stadium. There has always been some sort of magic about Shea....so it will be great to watch their last season in it. I know for certain that I'm anxious to get out of here. Please someone buy my condo. Its cute....and affordable. PLEASE!

Also I decided that I'm going to walk in my graduation. Hey-it took me a long time to get this bachelor's degree....and I think I deserve to be ackowledged for it! haha At first I was feeling a little nervous about graduation because of what happened on the day of my highschool graduation...but I think this year everything is under control. (For those of you that don't know what happened on the day of high school graduation....my grandma had a stroke and died a few days later). It took me ten years to get my bachelors...and in two I'll have my masters! It has been a long ride. I've been through so many things personally, physically, mentally, financially, and I've changed my major a million times. I've studied at four different universities, five if you include the one in Italy. I started out as a theater major....and I am graduating as an International Studies major. Its kind of insane. :) My goals have changed along the way....but I feel like I'm very settled in my decision now. I have learned more about myself than most people learn on their path to obtain their bachelors, most likely because its taken me so long.

I do have to give a shout out to John. I really don't think this day would be here yet if it wasn't for him. He kept pushing me to get my degree. He is helping me to finish all of my started projects. He's such an important person in my life. I wish he could be at my graduation....but he will be there when I get my masters-so that will be ok.

writing it all off....

2008-03-30T19:19:00.000-04:00

I am so done. I have never felt so trapped before. Trapped by so many things and nothing seems to be going right. I am so tired. Mostly tired of pretending to care about things. Tired of pretending that I love helping guests, tired of pretending that I love doing anything that I don't want to do. (Which is a lot lately) Maybe its all the gloomy cold weather, or maybe its just curtains for me.

I'm sorry for being such a downer. You don't have to read my blog though...if you find it annoying.

gossip......

2008-03-29T21:16:00.000-04:00

so....it really isn't a good idea to say bad things about people. even if they are true. unfortunately it can come back to you...and it isn't fun to appologize for saying those bad things about people. its strange because in highschool i never really gossiped. but somehow....i've picked it up. i'm totally appologetic. it isn't nice to gossip....i've had some really nasty things said about me in the past year...and knowing how it feels... i'd like to say sorry on here. i'm sorry for saying anything negative about anyone. it really isn't my business to judge. my goal for the next stage in my life is to not gossip. seriously....it makes people look like losers to gossip because then it means that someone else is more interesting than you are. haha again...i'm sorry. probably the people that i've talked about don't read this, but i'm putting it out there in the universe. i'm sorry.

tired.....

2008-03-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

i'm so tired of being alone and having no one to go to dinner with. fucking tired.

Gypsies tramps and thieves....

2008-03-19T00:33:00.000-04:00

so i took a little drive...on monday i wanted some cheese curds. so i decided to drive 3 hours away to beaver. once I got to beaver...i decided i would drive another hour and a half to st. george to see my friend jason. so on tuesday morning i woke up in st. george and decided...why not drive to vegas. so that is what i did. driving all that way alone gave me plenty of time to think. the biggest thing i realized is that the road from salt lake to vegas is full of gypsies...tramps and thieves. the truck drivers i consider gypsies. they travel to and fro with their heavy cargo. sometimes they think its important to pull right in front of you forcing you to slam on your breaks. i disagree...but i learned that many of them feel it is a good thing. the tramps can be seen at every rest stop and gas station along the way. i couldn't believe the make up on some of the gas station employees...and their disgusting excuses for toilets. i have no idea what goes on in some of those rest stops...and i don't want to know. the thieves are a little bit harder to see. but i like to think of the policemen along the way as thieves. they hold that little black hairdryer at you and suddenly you owe them your soul. luckily i didn't have any encounters with the thieves. all in all it was a pretty good trip. i bought some new shoes and ate at in 'n out. oh and i did get some cheese curds, which abbey practically ate all of because i stupidly left her in the car alone with the bag while i went to the bathroom. i have no idea why my dog likes cheese so much...but she sure does.

Someday....

2008-03-17T00:06:00.000-04:00

So I have to admit that sometimes I feel pretty lonely. I know it seems silly...but living alone or with a room mate who is rarely home can be very lonely. I guess I'm at that point in my life where I want to have someone to share it with. I'm tired of waking up alone every morning...and trying to fall asleep alone at night. These are some true secret confessions I'm sharing here, so keep that in mind as you snicker at me. I have a wonderful dog, but I wish she could talk. Sometimes you just want to hear someone else's voice. I have a lot ahead of me...and much of it will be alone. I just hope that in the near future I will have someone by my side on a more regular basis, and if not...I will have my Stewy! I'm so excited to live near my Stewart. Every girl needs one-so go and get one today. But don't try and share mine....I don't share well. haha

marriage...

2008-03-04T22:55:00.000-05:00

You know...after working in the hotel industry for so long...I've started to lose faith in marriage. I hear men complaining about their nagging wives and then they go out on the "town". I'm just becoming disenchanted with it all. So I think I'm going to marry myself. I never nag at myself and I'm never tempted to cheat on me. I've been alone this long...whats the rest of my life?

peace out.